Energy

Here I am again doing what I love, so free in this journey of self-care.

Imagine not being able to do this because someone's energy is "weighing" on me. How baffling it all could be if that person's vibe leaves me feeling as if I do not want to be or do what I love. Surrounded by a presence so unnerving that to call it a dull moment would be kind. Perhaps it sounds all too overwhelming and awful, but then again, I would be taking part in absorbing their energy by staying where they are. I would just be as responsible for losing my confidence in my caving because I would have failed to remove myself from that environment. Is this you maybe? Are you exposing yourself to company that tramples on your courage? How you ask… By making time to spend with them, even when you know you always feel drained after the meet. Always available and accessible to them for your dissipation. You never have any other expectations but that of being bored or unable to be yourself when you are with them but you subject yourself to their energy. This is you missing self-preservation. Energy misplaced is energy misspent. A total squander of your spirit. Why do this to yourself? Why do I do this to myself?

If only we could be as real about this matter as most children (toddlers to be exact). Have you experienced this? Some children sure take their time to vibe with people's energy. If they are not feeling you, you will get that look. The look of wonder as to why they suddenly have to be in the same space as you. They even bottle up sometimes, to cry and run away from you. I have been taken to my feels by a few little ones for sure. It does make you wonder for sure. What is it about you that is making a child cry and shy away when they can be so welcoming to others? I am referring to this kind of energy at this time. As adults or grown-ups, when we do not gel well with somebody, how graceful are we to their and our own spirits? Do we subdue in the name of being civil and kind? We certainly cannot run to our parents like a toddler and cling to them to feel safe.

What can we do especially in instances where we know how the presence of someone just does not fit right with ours? I mean, we are older and wiser now, we know the choice of company we keep is of a huge impact. I can understand that we ought to accept this as it is part of life and relating. It is not always avoidable, but it sure does have an effect on our behavior. I really do not have an answer for you on that. However, I have been working on being very attentive to the way I feel when I am in certain environments and most definitely, around others. Some people just make me anxious. A few I know I only get along with over the phone. We chitchat so well and it is fun virtually. When we do eventually hook up for a chill or the occasional bump for a mere greeting, something is just off. I cannot really explain it, but my energy does not quite come out, as I would like. I am not talking about when you have a beef with someone yet. This is still about that so not good vibe you get when you get to interact with someone. The kind that almost feels awkward. It is hardly ever a matter of not being interested in them, but you can safely just conclude that it is a missed vibe.

Now a withholding for me I need to grow from is when I literally subject myself to a company that I know leaves me depressed. For real, I really do not like this part. It is just clothed with regrets and feelings of anger as the aftermath. You completely feel like you are suffocating just thinking about being around them but yet, you find yourself having to. This is not healthy at all. The people who you know by just greeting you, your inside becomes cold for it never ends well or peacefully. An interaction that always poke on scars hard enough to turn them into wounds all over again. Shamelessly, if you are having this kind of effect on me and you are far enough for me, I literally block any other form of contact as a resolution. Should circumstances force that we get to be in the same place at the same time, yeah, it will probably be a sorrowful night when I finally get to be by myself. I know sometimes I fear staying away or being distant because I do not want to be disrespectful, but lately I am just taking my chances. I must be on self-preservation mode!

“It dawns on you one day... how precious your life is and how not okay it is for anyone, ever, to cause you any amount of suffering, ever. Then the next time you step out the door you look at everyone and you’re thinking, “My life is precious and you’re not allowed to hurt me.”

― C. JoyBell C.

Coupled with social anxiety, it is not easy to live with yourself in the midst of individuals you would rather just be at peace with from a distance. The kind of relationships that work when they are not active i mean. Energy to do nothing with them is actually best when it comes to this kind. You are just better off praying for their well-being.

Another off energy that goes around is that given and not received back. It is coupled with forced sense of humour and a whole lot of denial in hopes to not feel like a bum, claiming they were just having a bad day or tired. Here, you are just too desperate for acceptance and acknowledgement. Sometimes, a person just does not like you or enjoy your company. Be kind to the both of you and give it some space. Honestly, it is brave to be this honest with yourself and your relationships. You can be generous with your kindness of cause, just try not to force relationships. How unattractive it is really, consumed by a feeling that you need someone to like you to this point. Willing to lose your dignity for it. A lesson I can use for sure.

Clearly I found a need to grow in respecting how I am received just as well how to receive others. It must be a character-building thing. There is probably a reason for feeling the way I feel about things and people I come across. It is important I try and graceful as I figure it out. To be at peace with not being a hit with everyone and be kind to myself while at it. It really can make me feel much lighter and less of an over-thinker. It surely could lift off the pressure and give me more room to unbound.

I have been learning that energy with myself matters just as well. The way I love and care for myself translate into how I interact with others. Investing in self-awareness is slowly helping me better ignite with others without compromising what I can call a “sense-of-self”.

I am transcending this month... The focus is on surpassing the impurities that hold me back. It might be something relatable to you. I hope you find courage to invest in your own fine-tuning. It Matters, You Matter!

Regards

Livhuwani