Contentment is the cost of Conformity and Comfort.

Contentment is the Cost of Conformity and Comfort. My expectations were not met and I'm definitely not comfortable. I am however comforted, knowing that I am still loved by God. A Matter of Contentment theme got me here. Lest I share more on this.

This year I finally lived the difference between being reactive and responsive. Well, to be fair, being emotional is no longer something anyone can shame me for so being very accepting of this made it easy to self-regulate. Even when I had decided, I did not disregard advise from others. Even when provoked, I chose to step back and take a pause. Of cause, not all the time, but most definitely when it mattered the most. As your patience develops, you find peace in losing, appearing foolish, and not being in control. When something stopped working or serving its purpose, I refrained from forcing it. When faced with harsh truths, I realised I was not abandoned but rather saved. In instances of verbal and emotional abuse, I focused on people's actions rather than blaming the situation. I did not blame situations but focused on people's actions. When my Spirit was restless, I knew where to seek replenishment. Growth in Prayer also meant knowing when I needed others to pray for and with me. There were many humbling experiences. It was the loneliest I've felt as an adult, yet it was also when I was the most trusting of God's provisions and takings.

Image by Masaaki Komori

I read and meditated more on the Bible, than just waiting for others to start a conversation about a verse. Being firm in the walk of Faith is about building a good relationship with the word, and effectively the Lord.I avoided playing roles or engaging in games.I restrained myself from self-explanatory gestures with hope of being understood. The sense of loss was profound, chaos was unfolding, and pain was unavoidable. Change was overdue, so indeed growth had its way , and God felt undeniably closer though I was barely hanging on.

The year began with a clear need for peace and ended with significant loss. This wasn't the kind of peace I thought I needed. Peace instead meant spending more days alone, reflecting deeply, and confirming my fears were coming true. Yes, when I least expected it, I thought finally they will get, finally my value will be notice and my needs will be met. However, it was confirmations and final notices of being a nobody to many bodies. There were days when all I did was read the Bible, but unable to pray. I meticulously planned things, only to find they didn't fulfil me as expected. This year, I wasn't chasing people or seeking involvement, but I could sense that my withdrawal was from a place of exhaustion and surrender that stems from finally getting it - self-care journey has been for my own self-sheltering. It was a path to accept hard truths. Truths that if I did not have a strong sense of self, I would have been freed to a death. A death of self. It was also a preparation to allow others the freedom to live as they wished. I recognised when I needed solitude versus when I was just avoiding interaction this year. Solitude served as a detox for the shock and anger I'd felt for a long time. And avoiding interactions was rather a delay for the rapture. I understood the fragility of others better, projected less, and had no energy or desire to hold others accountable. Fighting is different now, and I feel at peace with it all, but the peace does spare hurt nor loss. Around February, it struck me that nobody would ever truly understand me, and that's okay. I accepted being the "bad guy" if it meant staying true to myself. 2025 humbled me. I surrendered, feeling no guilt or blame, worrying less, and offering more grace. Grace was not meaning self-neglect though like before. I could sense that I'm seen as uncaring but I knew it was healthier for the person in the mirror. There are no vibes, just life happening, and I'm not trying to control it. I've embraced a new identity. People address me differently, and I can sense the disrespect, disbelief, blame and judgment. Relations easily fell off but strong ones grew more firm. I'm thankful for it all. It was an accident at work, the loss of my uncle, a difficult birthday, the loss of a sister, matrimonial epilogue, but a closer relationship with God. I have no comfort here on earth right now, I am just content for his right hand is on me. How else can I explain my standpoint right now really - it should be God.

Image by lilartsy

The Price of Peace is Unholy Comfort. And unholy things are very comfy. They massage falsehood and numb pain. It was a cost I had to carry this year. I will lie if I say I was ready. You will never be prepared for this because it won't align with your expectations or plans. It will never appear fitting or ideal, I mean peace. You won't comprehend it, as understanding it is reserved for God alone. It will happen, regardless of your desires. The Spirit within you will take control and lead. But your flesh will be rejecting it. Both beautiful, powerful but defeating, as you are humbled into self-control. You will no longer recognise yourself. If you're fortunate, you will feel pressed, perplexed, and out of bounds. The things you've spent years building may seem conflicting to what the unprecedented experience and impact constructs. Misalignment will be evident. Connections you believed to be lost will be restored. There will be a shift in who truly supports you. Those who genuinely care will have confidence in your success. Those who benefit from your struggles will rejoice, thinking you are finished. Their true nature will be revealed. You won't be angry but will embrace the relief of no longer wondering. The disappointments will feel like a release and relief. Your sleep will improve, though it may take time for you to notice. You will be scared to admit you are okay when you are because having peace when your world is crumbling might raise eyebrows. Did she plan this? How is she so calm, so strong - no, I'm not calm or strong, I'm defeated and fully aware of it. No need to pretend. Your words will be gentle only to those who understand that the truth brings freedom, as it softens those tired of living a lie. While at the same time, fully aware that your freedom costed a lot of comfort.

Image by Andrew Soldatov

"A Matter of Contentment" in 2025 marked the beginning of my commitment to a more authentic way of living, one that aligns with what truly matters to God. This involved embracing the unravelling of everything I once wanted the world to perceive me as. I let go of my previous thoughts and behaviours. To be honest, i had no choice in many instances but to be brave. I would have rather settled for mediocre, but it was as if all the self-work I did in the previous years was working against what i thought peace is . A lot happened without my control. The need to please others lost its significance for me. Many of us are lost, fearful of the truth, and insecure about both our weaknesses and strengths anyways. We often perform to meet the world's expectations. But this time, it was as if I needed the chaos to survive. Few of us have a healthy relationship with ourselves. This year having spent too many years on my own saved me. When faced with our traumas, we often see our brokenness and choose to flee from our true selves. Blame, guilt-tripping, and neglect are mistaken for avoiding negativity, as people shy away from pain, challenges, difficulties, and ultimately, growth. I was better positioned to fight this year, to perform. However, somehow I leaned towards the hard way of dealing. My withdrawn nature was misunderstood for suddenly no longer caring. No, it is just the first time it didn't serve others. The reality of lacking connection made me silent. I smiled when i should have been crying. Cried when i should be laughing. And when it was all said and done , I only have the knowledge that I am seen, heard, loved and held. And, i thank God for it all. Contentment in the Lord stripped me and left me dissolved. I do not recognize who I have become but I am very welcoming and kind to being bare. What is coming? I wonder... I surely still Matter to God through it all.

Holidays be good to you all. Contentment be about the Lord's thoughts and ways for our lives. And, may we have control of ourselves in spirit as we trust what we did not plan, and yet being established. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

@you_matter_2_god

@livhuwasha

A Matter of Upliftment!