It is without ceasing, not in season (Praying).

Image by Ramiro Pianarosa

I am done, a very strong statement.

I am tired, a worn-out face before you.

I have no reason to, no sign of change.

I do not want this, it rejects me anyways.

I can’t, I won’t, Why should I? No one saying I can, I will and why I should not!

A circumstance and no way out - oh so it seems.

A need to earnestly seek someone and something.

Who and what could it be?

Until I run to meditate on what was written by Paul when imprisoned: Philippians 4: 4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 11: 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

It is a way of life I keep saying. The only thing keeping me. My faith walk. I must admit , I did not quite fathom that seeking growth in being a more peaceful and stiller person exposes so much noise around me. It is as if, the quieter it is within me, the louder the world outside is becoming and I am fighting for my life. Like I had my ears waxed and even the wind passing echoes. I have never been good at showing gentleness, especially to myself. So, when I hear the scripture say I must let my gentleness be evident to all, already I am rationalizing I have a long way to go with knowing when to talk and how my tone should be. Which is why writing is my safe space of expression. When I hear that the Lord is near, I feel comforted but as well very pressed to act and talk gentle. However, I know this will be about performance more than my character. As a result, I trigger my anxiety in panic of whether the purity in my self-awareness and restraint from talking will be enough to bring about gentle acts in the end. I mean, I have been growing is true. I have grown is true. It is just that I do not seem to be good at pretending, especially to those I am exposed to. I am very grateful to be in this position, for I prayed for many years to not live a life of performance and people pleasing. I can not go back to sacrificing my health for the sake of accompanying a picture perfect. The journey I took of self-care is refusing, the Holy Spirit in me is reminding me of the power of being true, to be free. Now, why is it so hard that the self-control to be honest is troubling the world around me? I need alignment I have noticed. The spirit and purpose are fighting for alignment with the environments I'm exposed to.

In everything/ and situation, the word speaks – pray, petition and be thankful. I have been learning the hard lesson in my spiritual journey, that the world outside is truly not owing any credit for even trying. This goes back to a growth in not seeking approval and trusting others. I believe for most of us, this might have been evident in how we are never quite able to be there for our loved ones all the time. Very hard when we are there, but they themselves think and believe we should be for them in ways beyond our means. No matter how genuine we may be, they will reject our efforts, if they do not believe that is how they need us at the time (it is just a season, a temporary season that carries impact). I am so grateful I finally have a situation at hand that has unreservedly humbled me to accept this truth. I am at peace with not always being needed, finally. I petitioned and submitted this prayer request so many times, in so many ways. And, at 37, I finally have a real-life reference that I cannot run from. That it is not that for I love and care, will I be needed or received when I think it should. It is a concept of being visible but your presence not needed. To extend kind gestures but they are not comforting enough for a situation, especially because it is not your presence required to fill the gap. But you exist in the same physical address. I trust that for most of us again, this become very unfortunate and humbling when we are grieving something or someone that no other thing or person, can replace. No other thing or person but God that is. What happens then when our relationship with God is not healthy? Seek Him still. That is also a situation to present to Him in Prayer.

When Paul says, ‘And the peace of God,’ in verse 7 of Philippians chapter 4, then You can be at peace with the rejection, the disappointment and pain of not being anything and everything for others before us. I am grateful to have finally found a way through this kind of circumstance. God is the way ; His peace is the way through out. For his kind of peace, not only does he guard our minds and hearts, but this will extend beyond our own reach, limitations and desires. God’s peace guards even those around us. Yes, it might not be a joyful circumstance to exist in. It will definitely be hurtful when the circumstance is no longer in your control and your rejoicing in the Lord is projecting some inability to comprehend what is at stake, or happening physically. But Paul says this is meant to surpass all understanding anyways. Meaning, the world outside won’t be able to get why you are done trying, tired and no longer fighting. But you are inwardly at rest in the petition presented before God to be in control. Therefore, to humans you will be appearing insensitive, impossible, irrelevant and unable but your genuine thoughts and intentions will be enough to see you through, in God’s time, towards others. And this all, is in you having faith. Chances are, you will not be making sense through it all. It is okay! I have been grieving an uncle , and his passing made me understand how meaningless it is to fight a battle physically, when it is spiritual. No one around me will physically heal me. It is unhealthy to expect them to. But, I can definitely actively not fool myself into pretending it does not feel lonely to be around people who do not have capacity to be there for me, or me there for them. It is just another situation and a season, to present to God in Prayer.

Bucography

I have the spiritual encouragement for this month on this as well, that we need to fix our minds and hearts in the Lord for a growing contentment. It is only God who knows exactly what we need, when and how we are needed as well. When the Lame Beggar fixed his attention on Peter and John, he expected from them, but he received his Healing from God in the Jesus Christ of Nazareth (Acts 5: 6-7). He was not wrong to think those before him are all he's got. However, there was no usual gold and silver for him this time. It was just healing from God. Through Jesus Christ, He could walk, jump and do so instantly. When you get the peace of God for whatever circumstance you presented before Him in prayer with thanksgiving – truly there will be an evident and strong conviction inside out as well. Whether or not the world around you is ready for this, concerning a spiritual pivot – leave it for God. It is not your Job to give people who they need from you, but it is for God to use you to be how they need Him, just through you. We are only but vessels!

Image: Marquise Kamanke

The answer to the question: Who and What could it be? - God, the Holy Spirit, Prayer and Thanksgiving - EARNESTLY!

May you unreservedly live seeking God first even if it is the most unpopular choice to fight, continue and live by in your most intimate positions in life. This is where we are mostly judged for a reason. We carry the most influence in the company we are in. May you grow in rejoicing in the Lord always through it and them all. Remember that the rewards are not of worldly origin anyways, since we are not of this world to start with. That you can sense how much you matter to God regardless. Do pray without ceasing, about everything, in all seasons (I Thessalonians 5:17).

Colossians 4: 2 Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving.

This again, is an extension to a matter of upliftment to grow content in the Lord.

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Blessed!