Full Circle Moments

It is mother's day weekend. All the emotions we have about it matter for sure and to each their own I must add! This is that time where if you are not self-aware, you might be in trouble psychologically and mentally.

Do you remember that one time an elderly person warned , you will remember them when you have kids? You do remember their words right? Yes, you are a parent now and you surely have those words tingling in your mouth as well whenever your child get you all wind up. Same with how you probably thought you had it all figured out as a partner to someone. If you've been all in, surely you respect your elders and the so called poor judgment you associated them with as far as how they handled /handle their relationship. Can I talk about having to wake up one day to the reality of needing a nanny and helper to closely relate to your family, in your home after dreaming of just having your home and your kids all together, intimately sharing your lives without some level of reservation? I just did... If you have not come to this honest truth in your life as a parent or partner, you are one special adult with very special relationships with friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, etc... In my circle, I am lucky enough to know it is not all that perfect, balanced, incredible, fun and making sense. It is more like humbling, shocking, sacrificial, life changing and then, rewarding. Nine years later of motherhood , and a decade of marriage, you will definitely not come close in convincing me is all balanced and as planned. There is a but/however /except and a nope somewhere! I am definitely not about to even set a tone that it has been the case in my sailing. I tend to reach shores and wonder how the ship didn't sink most days. I look at my kids and be in shock as to how grown they are. I look at my wedding ring and think - it really is circle still. It is even still fitting my finger. Crazy it maintained its color and my God, it feels like I have come full circle sometimes. But, im definitely sure life is still going on and if I am still somebody’s mama - I will be having more moments of not so smooth but rewarding sails.

Mother's day is one monumental day for sure. Not only because I am a mother now, but because I have experienced what it feels to be smothered by one, as a daughter. I thank God I still can say this. I truly do feel it is a blessing not to be taken lightly. However, I had a few years of complacent courage. I went through a period of not feeling free to express my gratitude over my mother's presence in my life. My reasons embody a fear of sounding and being insensitive. And also , a background I bore with circumstances that made me feel justified in being judgmental. I am no stranger to living my life struggling with childhood trauma. And so, Self-Care matters truly got me to face the child in me and what she felt hurt and wounded her. The work in all this has got me now in a circle of embracing my scars full on. I can clearly empathize and sympathize with so many aspects of my life as a daughter and mother. I may not show it as yet, but im definitely aware of what it takes. I also can freely celebrate my mother without feeling like I must apologize around certain people. However, to be honest, it is not as I want it to be, and I definitely question if what I said, did, not do on mother's day didn't hurt someone. You might be wondering why I even felt like Embracing my mother and be free at it could ever be regarded as insensitive. Well, I am not living in a perfect world with perfect family structures. Many on this day are triggered to mourn instead of embracing. Mind you, I have never been good at putting myself first.Therefore, I was never good at feeling like I deserve favor from God. When you feel like you do not matter, a lot of grace bestowed in your life feels misplaced. I am not in this space anymore. I am now very aware that being grateful is part of worshipping and honoring my Father, God - the Giver and Taker, the Ruler, beginning and the end. The only thing now is on the how part of expressing gratitude. Another full circle moment that comes with truly living and loving yourself and others, as He has Loved you first is that, you get to generate enough to keep your light on towards yourself and not just others. So, in the times wherein you dim your light so hard you end up being in the dark - remember that your light matters as much as you think that of another person does. If for sure the people around you help you dim your light and it is not just in your head, then you may have to mind the company you are keeping. Last month I was part of a ladies all night prayer from church and this particular Devotion had this message for the taking : "your friendships must be Intentional". I swear, the overall relationships we keep need to be the kind we are very sure do not just do the taking, but all give us sustainability of the light we Cary within. The people we invite in our homes, the tones we set and maintain with our peers, the plans we make and choose to share or not share - all these things matter. They can either make or break us, center or imbalance our core, and definitely affect our "how" . The peace we have in our lives needs a lot of sacred censorship. A lot of what we pray and wish for in our lives and those of our loved ones, needs discernment over who or what it is exposed to. Our intentions and interests may be good and harmless when we do good for ourselves and others, however - there's a lot that is actively only in existence just to devour. To be on guard and vigilant is also a spiritual matter that can get to a good spiritual harvest as far as spiritual fruits are concerned. Lovely full circle moments in your life will come when you are honest enough to know that everything having its own season also concerns bad things as well. May you be that Mama-Bear with no shame. Protect and preserve what you’ve been entrusted with. I doubt motherhood is about fan hood from everyone else except your Lovelies, at most. Long lasting effect (Impact) over short-lived impressions.

As weekend for mother's day will been a thing as this post comes out, I am bold enough to honor every nurturing and endearing mother out there with warm hugs from this words that have been redefining my identity in the world, 💜You Matter! May you learn to count on yourselves more than others to celebrate yourselves even on ordinary days wherein you know very well, it took extraordinary measures to still find time to pay attention to your kids without neglecting yourself. May you learn to forgive yourself for the many times you fairly doubt that indeed you are doing enough for them kids and still be showing up for your own individual commitments. May you continue to love and almost appear to be senseless and bias to your own, without feeling like a lunatic for it.

Keep trusting your instincts and holding your foot down even when you are coming across is a bit boring to your lovelies. It is in your nature to endure the pressures that comes with bringing out the best from what looks worthless and feels too heavy to bear for many. You saw your tummy almost come full-circle to it just coming down to another shape you didn't even thought could be normal to look at daily and not be disgusted by. You could be thinking you remain only just a Helper yourself to another's children while your kids miss out on your presence. All these things can only be graciously executed by you because you are that special and capable. May you truly be firm in appropriating a lot of love and kindness to self, as much as possible in your every day life. It Matters, You Matter! - it be an empowering mother's day!

Regards

Mme a Phathutshedzo, Rolivhuwa na Tshifhiwa Tshikovhi