Let go, to let in the new!

One more time, we must care about being humble. There is absolutely no way to miss this chance, given you are still alive and to be thankful is but a standard operating procedure (I believe!).

The part of letting you in to it, has opened doors for some serious mind gripping thoughts and heartbeat racing feelings. The suggested topics as asked for were truly touching, thank you!

I will start with the power of holding on to hurt, the kind leading to your deterioration, this in a matter of being unforgiving. Perhaps, by just reading the heading you figured it out without having to wonder much. If you did, then the same applies with the matter of forgiving. You do not need to be lost in wander, you hold on to the hurt, you stay hurt. You let it go, you let in the new!

I grew up escaping from a lot in my personal life, meaning I didn't have the guts to confront much. I experienced a lot of things like most, and it motivated me to find happy places outside of the only environment that is suppose to be most warm (just guess where this place supposedly is). This was not hard, for me, given I was an active child as mentioned in one of my posts. Unfortunately, you can not be on the run forever, from the things that are meant for you, even if it is truly devastating. So, it is with deep breaths that I admit my demons caught up with me right when adulthood was taking flight. As a young educated adult, finding it hard to get a job right after acquiring my first degree made me feel like i am so useless having to spend so much time at home (I said it). I had studied in the local Varsity, wherein should hunger strike, I could get home easy as it was close. Eventually, all this time at home with the commotion of feeling like I am a failure, meant my hurt,shame, anger and resentment on a lot of things of the past, found their way at coming to life.

In case you are wondering how it came to life, at first it involved thinking I enjoy self-isolation. Declaring myself to be an introvert (yeah right). Then it came to being a kind of an obsessive girlfriend to some dudes and making some questionable choices when it comes to dating.Then soon enough the occasionally outbursts. Defensiveness. The crying. No sense of self-worth and the general feeling of being lost. In a way, I can safely say a serious conviction that I do not matter was the consensus. I mean, seeing those I held responsible for my failures at the time daily, and knowing some of the people I grew up with are out in the world doing this and that, of which thanks to social media, seemed as if it all was happy, progressive and perfect for them, while I continue to be encouraged to keep applying, completing that Z83 Form, not easy hey. This can seem like a vicious cycle and at times so final, like the future has no space and time for you. And then, there is those I blame just there, seeing me, left feeling exposed. 

Eventually I had that day of exploding, day of speaking out, reliving the pain. On this day, I felt like my blood was boiling,lost all respect for my parents, I did not care how short I was,felt very tall detailing all my disapproval, how I believe their decisions affected my life badly. I recall even asking my father if I am even his child, typical. I had no filter, on that day I felt like my christian clothing was off, an out of body experience. Needless to say, as soon as it ended, I had a lot of regrets. It took me a while to recover, never mind forgive myself. However, a lot of demons lost their might on that day. I do not know how it truly affected my parents to this day, however, my relationship with them changed for the better since. Looking back, I always feel like if I had the courage to do it in a more respectful way, when I was younger than I was on that day, I would have spread my wings a lot more further in life. Letting it out, lacked charm and respect to be honest, that said, it opened new paths for me. I heard my parents side of the story. It was done. From that day on, I now had myself to blame should I decide my life sucks. It all became so clear that I am not perfect, nor was I as a child, to even feel like my parents had to be perfect.

How about that?

Now, did I make you think of your conviction that someone owes you an explanation for hurting you and that you are entitled to be angry at them and resent them for as long as you shall live?

Did I make you think of how justified you feel about blaming certain people in your life, some still alive and some gone to the after life? Do you feel like you are wasting your time relieving the hurt they caused you? As you reflect on an encounter that was so disastrous, not worth mentioning, to be left alone, old wounds, visible scars , do you somehow feel so sure that if it didn't happen, you wouldn't have had a change-of-heart for the better? I mean, You would be holding on to some toxins still, internally, while the effects are apparent on how poor your current relationships may have been going.

The lesson of knowing how much better to approach matters would have not been much of a thing for you if you had not experience some confrontations. Poor communication skills on conflict management would be your field of expertise now. You would still be bad mouthing, silently praying for other people to fall from grace and so unwell psychologically. This is what this piece is about. If it happened, and it is holding you back as you keep going back to that fateful day when..., and life is insisting on going on still, then how about letting it go? How about taking steps, to move on? Do you have time to keep life from going on even though you have decided to hold on to your demons? Time Matters, You Matter, the one to blame and be resentful towards matters somehow, still... So?!?!

Truly have been taking a lot of deep breaths while writing this. I can think of more than just the one story shared with you here, in my life, wherein I feel, if only I knew better than to keep stuck on that moment so unpleasant, I may have been far at being forgiving, positive, kind and joyful.

I recall being at a prayer meeting, and one of my request was that I needed certain relationships to work and the Lady that prayed mentioned that, if it is not meant to be, God should give me strength to accept it and stop forcing things. The attached picture is what I have been going back and forth to/with, since it was posted on my timeline years ago on Facebook. Before deactivating my first account in 2018, I had written it down for safekeeping. It is about life changing moments. Truly look out for those in yours. They come in all kinds of disguise, with no warning on what to expect. Tell someone who you know they are always trembling when they are in your presence, that you forgive them if you have and are bold enough. This will unlock the chains you may have been holding keys to, as far as their wellness is concerned. Touch base on less overthinking and worrying by actively learning to forgive even when apologies haven't come up, even when change has yet to come. Do it for you to be free from bitterness. It can be done, as hard as it proves to be! You may need to still keep and maintain some distance, but you need inner peace more.

Be kind to yourself. Relieve your heart from the yoke of hurt by taking it to the Lord in prayer, as I continue to "preach". It really is true that, when it comes to the matters of forgiveness, should you not keep at it, you are the one left deprived of joy, not just happiness - there truly is a difference. It matters that you invest a bit more in being a forgiving person to others and most importantly, yourself. It Matters, You Matter!

Peace be within you, then all around you. The new you in this light, calls for it in all your tranquil dreams to come to life.

Regards

Livhuwani