A vulnerable place(A Matter of Embrace III)

You’ll agree with me that while in the midst of others, a danger to one’s peace of mind can be incited when you get vulnerable and that only those who are truly honest with themselves can maintain their peace with such. The reason why this is so, is because most people find power in other people’s vulnerability, because they feel much stronger as compared to him/her who is at that time coming off as weak. This is also a chance for the composed ones to teach how not to be vulnerable but to be strong, when actually all thats needed is for the vulnerable to be embraced.

I recently gave birth to a daughter who is my second though third born. A vulnerable time this is, naturally. What I’ve learned and come to peace with during my journey of becoming a mother of three is that pregnancy excites so much curiosity to just about everyone to a point that they can even get anxious though not literally carrying the baby. I have this post out for every woman out there who felt or maybe feeling overwhelmed about being vulnerable while pregnant because they had to nurse other people’s curiosity instead. Other's curiosities come through as never ending questions if you are coping, some even project their preferences on you on how you should dress and behave. Some even count when you could be due and keep up with your body changes. Some even ask you to keep them up to date. Trust me when I say, you deserve all the honor instead. You should have had support and a team of characters that are rather confident in you, not questioning your abilities or making it about themselves. There should have been a realization that God has already graced you with his confidence by giving you the strength to literally carry such a blessing though you are at your most fragile state. Be ready, I’m about to share a little spice and probably vent, it may possibly be a taboo to do so as a Black-African, specifically Venda and Christian woman.

My journey of motherhood has been filled with doubts that I am good one. I share this in one of my previous posts, expressing that my kids helped me realize I’m actually a good one and it didn’t happen when I was at my healthiest or happiest phase. It happened while I was undone and asking my mother to have them for a while because I feel I’m exposing them to too much unhealthy truths they cannot afford to grow up having witnessed while pregnant with their precious sibling. My transparency and level of being true with my struggles and strengths has grown to a point that even my kids can say to me, “Mama you are not fine”. This is not advised or considered as a good thing in my culture. In fact, it is deemed poor parenting at most because kids can overthink and worry. This is weakness in my culture. Your kids must not know you to this extent even though they are your kids and deserve to know the real you whether weak or strong because you are basically living to nurture them to discover their own strengths and weaknesses in their experiences through your role modeling. Anyway, it became very clear to me it won’t work to lie to them but tell them mommy is very tired and not feeling well enough at this time to handle the pressure on her own, how about Gugu(grandmother) take care of them till I’m strong enough. To my surprise, nothing fell apart. I didn’t become less of a mother by doing that. My kids did not shun me. It felt responsible to do so. It felt caring and considerate. But, it is a vulnerable moment that in my previous pregnancies, I could never explore because it is considered wrong and weak. To me it became the turning point to define the kind of a motherhood I can actually feel good and authentic about, one of Embrace and Grace, not of Superwoman-mentality.

• A matter of embrace in the above is finding your power in your vulnerability as an active mother with and to your kids when you are drowning in exhaustion. It can actually help them understand why you can't keep up with certain day to day tasks. This guides them to manage their expectations. They won't assume you are neglecting them but appreciate you are just tired. So, be brave enough to express when you "can't " so that what you "can" may be valued truly.

Interesting times during my pregnancy with my third born also came through my vulnerability in being an inadequate wife as it usually feels though everything you are doing clearly says and proves different. It is unbelievable, depending on how you value your wife- hood, how we get to carry out our role taking care of our Husbands while pregnant and have this expectations thrown at us to remain the same as before while we are physically and emotionally going through so many changes. It is amazing how a man still remains a priority to us, not even the unborn child inside us while we are immersed in so much pressure. Not only are we hormonal but because physically they will never experience what we are experiencing, you being emotionally vulnerable to them is such a risk. This is so especially if you try to explain how normal what your feeling is while to them there is a level of exeggerating or abnormalities you maybe performing. Even the most understanding partner at this time can turn into your worst enemy I bet, merely because it requires they go through it in order to fully comprehend.

In my world where expressing my emotions has become my power, just guess what turbulents came about during this time… Well, to my surprise with this pregnancy (maybe it was experience kicking in) I had the least of those moments of failing to control my emotions. I think is because I had been taking care of my mental health for years since my second born, so I could handle a little more of the crazy pregnant lady moments most women get to feel and think. But, being this self-aware and handling my emotions better also meant now I could be taken advantage of because I am stronger and can handle things. So I carried all the duties like a champ to thee day. I washed, cleaned, ironed, cooked, bended and reached like I don’t have a fragile spine, feet swollen, weight put on, two toddlers to tend to, homeworks to see through, early mornings, late nights, one position sleeping mode, shortness of breath, fears to carry full term, general worry, extreme worry, etc…like there is no changes going on in all of me to the day I delivered. As if not being able to see my own vagina is not odd enough, I still had to fight feelings of being unattractive. This is a vulnerable situation that if you do not embrace and call it God’s confidence in you, you might as well never have sex and fall pregnant. The thing is, it will never really be you and partner who are pregnant, it is you who is really pregnant. As a woman, a wife, this cannot be said or anything. With my third, I kinda already had the memo to not fool myself and treat the situation as if all is equal and normal to and with everyone involved in the pregnancy. I had so much more compassion with myself. I did what was expected but was gentle with myself this time. I rested when needs be. I said I can’t do it now without shame, when I couldn’t. I didn’t fear being called inadequate or useless to a man, or incapacitated, I felt I’m in a season that is real special and I must make it special for myself no matter what.

Well, the things that happened in this time really stretched my commitment to myself to feel special no matter what. I wore my independency with no other choice to even consider. I massaged my own body this time. I told myself I’m beautiful this time. This time I did not wait for the father of the baby to validate me, I did it myself. And I could be told off for saying this, but I’m really grateful to have taken it upon myself because it saved me from resentment and bitterness that would have limited my motherhood. Pregnancy can be lonesome and it was likewise for me at most times, but I somehow mastered the art of taking away from the Solitude Courage. I now know I'm a courageous being.

The vulnerable take from the above is that, even when pregnant, you can be at your most courageous nature. You can self affirm and reap everlasting qualities of self approval, appreciation and compassion. You can grow to be more self-caring.

Now, all this mentality shift during my third pregnancy has me not performing anymore trying to prove I understand or get a lot of things that mothers go through during pregnancy and after giving birth. For one, I don’t know why even after just giving birth in our culture, expectation is that you are supposed to be kneeling and putting up a brave face that you are awake when you know very well you are exhausted and probably still wounded physically. I don’t know why it remains a time where culturally, the elders are busy assessing how strong you are by expecting you to be bowing to them so that they can give you money or gifts. Is it not enough that I carried for months and the baby, thanks to God, is healthy and I’m recovering to be just as healthy as well? Why should it be a time to be still proving your worth as a mother or wife when clearly you are hence the baby in front of all to see? It is probably the reason why many mothers naturally fall in postpartum depression. So much expectation from others still posed on you. As if you don’t already know you have a child to nurture. I found that during my third child, I’m so not conforming anymore to a lot of cultural practices. And I know I will reap the consequences of being called crazy or disrespectful by a lot of people, but I am at a stage of my motherhood where it Matters to me that I don’t pretend to be so susceptible to elements of being validated by others if it leaves me more in an office with my psychologist the next ten months and miss out on enjoying my time in my motherhood because I didn't do what someone feels should be done at my expense. It matters to me more that people rather see me unable to live up to their expectations and weak even so that they don’t break away from thinking I'm made of iron. It is a reality, it’s a beautiful, demanding but fragile time, why should I be performing like it’s not? To earn respect from others that I can pretend? No, that goes against Self-Care, Self-Love and self-truth. My self- worth as mother is not based on my ability to make people watching proud but how best I’m taking care of my children and myself. It should be about making myself proud. It should be about pleasing God. What I’m finding as an embrace in this kind of vulnerability, is that I no longer feel guilty for not being all together in front of the people in my circle as I did with my first and second. Is like I have learned to take from my vulnerability a weapon of releasing pressures imposed by self and others. This is helping me self-regulate much better. I'm not pushing an agenda to be a strong woman, but to be a truthful one.

Nothing has changed about pregnancy if not me and I’m content. I still earned stretch marks, lack of sleep is a thing still, and no matter how much “assistance “ or help I get, the scale still weighs more on my side. And yes, going home to Venda had more depressive moments than healthy ones. The difference now is that, I am more self-aware and compassionate. I breakdown if it is time to do so, and hold it together when I can.

All this things I’m sharing is my portion as I experience it. I fully embrace it as it is. I hope it will help a mother out there who feels like they are so incapable or failing just because they aren’t always all together, strong and performing as they are being told they should. Remember this, you are a person who has an independent mind and heart that thinks and feels for everything and everyone out there as you choose to. You have choices. Make the ones that serve you well. Don’t make it about more than that, it is all about you finding yourself first not others. You will never pour from an empty cup no matter how good you perform and receive applause. If it leaves you feeling ugly, used, unhappy, unhealthy, then you neglected yourself and Self-Care education needs more attention. Eventually, you will explode if you don’t explore what being vulnerable is teaching you with honesty.

It Matters that before you can notice and appreciate how others celebrate you, you learn to celebrate yourself.

It Matters that before you go on being brave out there, you know that the Fortunes are meant to favor you as well as it may touch lives of those who matter to you too. Don’t be brave to everyone else except yourself. You need to be your own Helper. Learn to live a life of truth, not of giving impressions and performances for others to deem you strong. Be strong for yourself by being honest. Prioritize making yourself proud even from moments when you didn’t live up to expectations. Be real!

Once more, the emphasis is that You Matter!

I would like to thank you who was there for me and never judged me during this journey of becoming a mother of three. You who knows what more I was facing. You who literally picked me up from the ground and hugged a sobbing me. You who took it upon yourself to even travel miles for me even when you didn't know what you would do to make my situation better. You who in your realization that "You Matter!" is really my voice and a tool I'm truly using to breakfree from years of feeling worthless. You who reaffirmed to me that yes, it hurts, but I can get through it. The care that I received in the most unexpected places and faces. Knowing me, I've already expressed my gratitude to you but I never feel like it's enough. Thank you.

Lastly, to myself - I'm so proud of you Livhuwani for being courageous. For literally buying yourself flowers every now and then during such a time that presented unwarranted ugliness. For finding more of you in the journey rather than losing. For falling in love with your vulnerable side. As you recover and heal, recall that it was all you and you are not what the world dictates you should be. May you keep investing in your spirituality. You truly matter girl.

Regards

livhuwasha