All the While...

“The serene essence of lavender gently restores peace within.” – Unknown

All the while, I want to speak but my voice is louder when silent.

I want to act out, but my self-control won’t let me.

I want to runaway but I am not a coward.

I want to confront but I have tasted inner-peace.

I want to disengage completely, but I value affection more.

I want to not care, but I’m full of care.

I would appreciate being forgetful, but because I forgive, the memories are needed to keep me humble. It has all been intense, intentional and transformative. It has been a time of my life and it led to this moment, and this peace. Happy new year and happy sharing.

In a Matter of Living , I have found the confidence in not having to express all the time and the freedom in having some things kept to self . At most, it gives me plenty to reflect and meditate on. It has been something I never knew could be worth pursuing, the thing about restraint that is. I lived so determined to share for a long time, which made me over-share and at times over-bearing. In the past months I have been not just hearing, but listening. I have been not just understanding but comprehending. I have not been just looking outside but micro-scoping the inside. The year 2024 adorned my spirituality. I not only lived but faithfully enjoyed the living. I embraced the surprises, took in the shocking waves of life,  dared on some new vibes and fell on many of the demise that life gives. In trusting God, I fell in love with being a sinner before Him for I didn’t have the pressure anymore to be as I am not. And I am not holy. I am not always confident a human being as I may appear or like to be(I still feel like I’m a waste of space sometimes). I am still self conscious about my image though not silent about the struggle. I am also not as special as I thought I am or should be to certain people and spaces(I know I can be replaced). I established this the hard way as lovers became strangers. Yes, I just truly matter to God (this has been a life line) . He has been keeping me. My faith in Him has been landing me  at his feet. This has made me acknowledge the need to consider being content. After all, J-Cole did sing it ; there is no such thing as a life that is better than yours. And I am focusing on who is enough as I love mine. Only Him, the Great I Am is enough.

" The art of simplicity is a puzzle of complexity. " Douglas Horton

At this time, a Matter of Contentment has been a humbling journey. This being my theme for the year, as it follows up on a Matter of Self-Confidence in the Lord from last year. I had planned to be releasing a book this year. The more I focused on Confidence / Faith in the Lord last year, the more less self-centred I became. I kept having reasons to serve others considering  the word backing up this Commandment no matter how uncomfortable I would be. There was more reasons to fold and let things be out of my control many times. And, at times the flesh took over and other times I obeyed. There has been moreover epiphanies that exposed how there is no satisfaction in this world. That there are more prayers to say and a need to make peace with this.

I have been spiritually encouraging and continue to uplift. As I share the messages of encouragement to others , I always get that self-confrontation energy. Whereby, I am literally telling on my weaknesses and having no more room to shelter them. The thing about the Bible or the word of God and walking by Faith is that you will need to be welcoming of rebuke as you will definitely be humbled. I trust that it has only been grace helping sustain the little strength and faith to continue sharing the word of God. A lot of times I am just grateful really. The tests and temptations of life truly excite what the flesh desires. With poor discernment, the providence of a way to choose and do right is not as forthcoming.

"In personal life, the warm glow of nostalgia amplifies good memories and minimizes bad ones about experiences and relationships, encouraging us to revisit and renew our ties with friends and family. It always involves a little harmless self-deception, like forgetting the pain of childbirth." Stephanie Coontz

Life is truly not as good as my expectations have led me to believe for a long time before now. Unlearning such kind of common life mistake has been a humbling turn of character. I am one of those who thought being a loyal wife, loving mother, praying friend, a colleague with clear boundaries and many other constituencies of existing, ideally I would automatically be at rest, irresistible, sorted and happy. But it is me who in just last month, I realised I am not happy with the way certain relationships are going in my life. I also realised so many elements of who I am where still shaped around pouring more than I should to/for others, just to feel empty and alone in the end. Someone I thought I knew well and learning to be emotionally inclined with even mentioned that it sounds like I am not living my own life in a very candid conversation. The truth is I am living my own life, I just lack contentment. I am not at peace with certain bad and good things in my life. And I believe is because like many I still trust in Men. I still sell myself short. I still doubt. And I make a lot of rash decisions based on anxiety, fearing the unknown every now and then. I still forget to pray about everything, and I most certainly forget to pray for myself as well.

Focusing on growing my self-confidence in the Lord made it clear, I am at times seeking out for others approval still. I know better than this. I also have had to do better than this. And so, it is time to intentionally seek God’s approval and His Kingdom. I believe, His kind of Peace and Love is what  complements this journey of Self-Care wholesomely. There is truly been just real life at hand. And I am glad I am back yapping on the keyboard. Self-aware as ever . One day when the time is right, the book "shall be". But for now, let us invest in having a peace of mind and heart with whatever being Livhuwani comes with.

Be on the lookout for Spiritual Encouragement on my socials every now and then as a Matter of Upliftment. This is what I’m going on about mostly as of late. In January, I encouraged on the Revealed Secret on being Content from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

The word says; "9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I

am weak, then I am strong.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every Situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:12–13).

Spiritual Encouragement for this month was about The Peace of God for our Contentment in Him.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4: 6-9

I must express, it feels so good to write and put what is to follow in my blog post again – Invest in Yourself, It Matters, You Matter! And this time around I will make sure to include – to God and Mark a new standing -  You Matter to God!

Till the next one, God willing… 

@youmatterlt