Behind the scenes! (Where I really live and grow...)

Behind the scenes (where I really live and grow…) I'm at war because ever since I choose to learn and grow, though I can see that I am living a much truer life, the things I am now going through ever since intentionally making that choice are so brutal. It is as if pain is literally the definition of growth. To evolve, I have been stretching more than I even knew a person could manage. The struggle is real. Just as well, the progress is very lucrative. The change is for a lifetime, but it is not all fun and games. I find myself screaming shut on my pillows and still walk out the room ready to put on a reality show. Behind the scenes is behind closed doors, where there is no need to look like all is well.

You know how when you knew you needed to stop cursing if you want to express yourself with honor, but you find that you are being cursed on like never before (it’s a test)? I know this because I use to be very defensive, easily triggered. I understand now that it is because I was not happy with certain aspects of my life. I did not have peace with whatever was part of my script. The resistance to not give a piece of my mind is a war. And it is hard to even reconcile that you managed to maintain composure since you are not even used to making yourself proud during intense encounters. So, you go on daily not recognizing those little wins and the tests keep coming. You suddenly meet people who are your "old self" almost everywhere you go. Temptations are all around you. Your conscience gets the best of you, and you hold back, but behind the scenes you are still beating yourself up for the many times you failed to hold back. You might not even believe it when someone notices that you are less reactive. The people who know you may even poke at you effortlessly, but you manage. After all, you are now seeing through others intensity that the foulness is ugly. You can even pressure yourself into believing you still have a long way to go at times. And for a fact you do, but when will you celebrate the progress at hand? It is tricky for until you recognize that the wins are in the journey, you may never feel like your choice is working out for your good. Therefore, I'm having this thoughts and experiences to share about what it takes or where and when your progress really matters as far as investing in a better you entail.

Behind the scenes, at times I have my beautiful kids not getting along unintentionally because I’m around and they all want equal attention. I travel a lot for work, so every chance we get to be together is marked with anxiety that soon Mom is going to work. No doubt, they are mine and they deserve my attention. It is not their problem to bear that I am only one person. I'm very proud of them and myself as their mother. We are very independent yet so vulnerable to one another. I am also not sleeping that well because I’m either feeding one of them or staying up trying to make sure for the next day, or the next school trip, all is in order. And of cause, my spine is taking strain and I get hungry at dawn and can’t go back to sleep soon after that meal. Praying, Netflix and writing helps. This is where my thinking capacity and accountability for them is growing. I am their only mother; however, I share them with many people. To be honest, at times this takes away from our special time, but I get that it is the way life goes. I even depend on other people with raising them. Yes, I will come to church with them looking like I've got this motherhood thing locked. I will be there when they graduate and even take them to their doctor when required. While I'm out doing all that, I am also here trying to feel like I am significant in their lives as they perceive. I'm also humbled by the fact that every now and then they prefer someone's care over mine. Behind the scenes that hurts at the same time giving me comfort that they are relating with others well. They have valuable connections. They value and respect other people's contributions in their lives. It does not matter if you were the one who carried them to life, they are here to learn to carry themselves through life with and mostly without you. Behind the scenes, this very understandable feeling of loss and gain, and of accepting changes, can be considered as being a jealous, insecure, or controlling mother. So, you must be very careful how you handle your very imminent feelings and sensitivity around them and the people in your circle. The sacrifice and lessons over this reality is in living in the truth that you are and will remain their mother. No matter how many times they even confuse your role with someone else like their teacher, their caregiver/nanny, friend’s parent... Try your best to keep your sober mind on alert of what matters being your child's happiness. I believe this is training for when they are older and found their life partners. You need to learn to give them space and afford them a chance to discover themselves beyond your control or lead sometimes. I do know how strong you are as a mother, but if you ever feel insecure or challenged by this reality, I get you. It does not make you an awful person or a weak Mom. If you wish to vent about it in a secure space, I'm your person. I really do not hold back with the few mothers in my circle. I dish out the ugly with pride so that they never assume I am perfect. My hope is that when I do this, it comforts them to know that they are not alone. Listen, I literally cry and dry my own tears because the feeling is real but to find an environment that comprehend and isn't judgmental about it is rare as it happens.

I have lived for years feeling like I have a blanket put over me as someone’s life partner. No doubt I do a lot to uncover myself tirelessly for I know I can’t be all that useless. However, there are places and people which/who have convinced me thoroughly that I am not needed. I don’t even like to be heard or seen when they are in contact. It can be physically or virtually; it won’t matter that I am existing. My spirit is in chains when they are in my presence. As a result, I have learned to excuse myself by literally blocking my mind towards whatever is going on. I don’t force myself to answer their calls or join in on the conversations. Should I find courage to feature myself in whatever involves them, I go in having 90% trust it will not be appreciated. These relationships and environments have taught me how possible it is to do good and right without expectations. I still go to a closed space and cry about it, but now my cry is focused on my ability to protect myself not to be seen, heard, or valued. I believe eventually, I will be strong enough to even cry less. I feel it as times go, I am getting there. I have less emotional reactions over the encounters now. I’ve come a long way. This has helped shaped my need to unlearn a lot of unhealthy feelings of entitlement and belonging in just about everyone’s life. It is not an easy truth to swallow, but behind the scenes, I’m letting it get to the gut that not everyone needs, likes, or loves me and that is their prerogative. It does not mean I am useless or unwanted everywhere by everybody else. I mean, I know I matter, just not to them.

Moments pass and you get into this understanding that indeed life is hard, and adulthood is a trap of some sort. But, in the back of your mind you kind of feel like you can't be all that bad considering what ever so little is going well. I say this with full accountability that behind the scenes I do feel like the bad outweighs the good. I am just being honest here. However, as I get on with life, I am more than ever trying to focus on the little light of mine. When I look in the mirror, I'm trying to see my beautiful eyes instead of my blemishes. I remind myself how good it feels to know that I have the privilege to be someone's mother even though I'm not even wanted around since I refused to give more ice cream scoops on that hot afternoon. As a mother I stressed how the teeth can't handle too much and the child decided in that moment to say but someone else gives them more. In essence I did good and right by the child but I’m not the right person to them at that moment. I am being intentional now, making sure that if I'm not shown or told I am Loved by anyone, at least I am saying it to myself. The good here is that the more I count on me affirming such loveliness to myself, the less dependent on others validation I am becoming. This is a Matter of investing on those "little" and "small" gestures that mightily give one a boost to explore further all the best possibilities life can provide if looking, working, and investing to succeed.

I do this thing of posting things that are hard to swallow every now and then. I can only imagine how bothering it can be to someone who is not ready to face their truth. Say maybe someone who would never want to be found out as to how unhappy or lonely they are. I am the kind who can literally post myself sitting in some corner, with no smile or a sign of great company around me. I can even go an extra mile and say, Livhuwani you are your own best friend. While to some they may miss the message to self being a point of defusing the loneliness the picture exudes by grasping on a healthy thought to depend on yourself to feel wholesome... Someone can literally say here is a loved wife, you are glowing. This is something I have been experiencing. It is as if people see what they want to see. Therefore, it is important to learn to see yourself for who you are and face what you need to face in your life with honesty. This will help when the audience do not quite get your script. Out of your truth, people are focusing from a point of assumption and association to what they are capable of comprehending. It is out of your control how they interpret your script. You must rather focus on making sure your drafts (the struggles, mishaps, misfortunes, challenges…) make up a script that truly narrates what is, to and for yourself as the lead actor who embraces all the blessings bestowed. It is really a matter of grace.

Behind the scenes I have found a home in me that needs not that I camouflage if it means gaining more incentive to publicly ridicule myself. I am learning to put out more of the unedited parts of my life. You know, days when I struggle to balance things and end up bathing so late. I GET THOSE DAYS FOR SURE, and I am sure I am not the only one who recalls that it was advised against at their bridal shower. I know it is not hygienic, but the day is just not altogether. I also know the pain of being marveled at as a happy wife when I'm not. The admiring faces and voices of being called fortunate over things I know I'm taking medication to force an appearance of a complete and healthy marriage. Is like a business that is about to die because the stock at hand can't get to a break-even point however, it is being referenced as the most successful. Can you imagine the pressure, anxiety, and pain of how such a reputation cannot be maintained any longer? If that business reassesses and declare a need for investors, something can change for the better. But, if the same narrative out there is being encouraged, the brand can find itself in shambles. Fortunately, I have grown to not care so much about posting happy pictures of my partner and I, TRULY SPEAKING, I RESPECT PEOPLE WHO DO THAT. Life has humbled me so much in this department, I feel proud when I had a good time with my husband and didn’t feel the need to share it with the world. This was not me back then. Perhaps, I am lacking confidence now or have just found more value in being a little more discreet.

Behind the curtains is a humbling space wherein I'm learning to be more present. Where the sweat is dripping, and tears are falling. Where there is confusion and a clear indication of more time to be taken to figure out things. Where I'm naked and confronted with my poor choices and actions. This is where I feel a real sense of existence is at now as my thirties peak. The Frontline is where I show up all made up with almost everything and everyone around me in position. It is just where I get to gather more reasons to keep at it. It is where I get to say it was all worth it. Where I can have a sigh of relief. Behind the scenes is where I get to really live.

What am I saying...? I am literally saying life is not mostly what you will go out and be seen to be about. Life is what it took for you to get to step out in the first place. It is what you left looking a mess because you knew what is important is not how perfect you are but that you are existing inspite of the mess. Life is where you earn bruises, where that thorn pierced through, and you gathered courage to pluck it out. It is in the bleeding of your heart while at the same time it is beating and there is enough flow in the rest of your body. Life is when you have no clue how it will turn out but you put up with it anyways, anyhow... Life is what it takes for you to get to work with everyone's lunch box prepared, windows closed, door and gate locked and arrangements are in place on how you will all meet at the same place later on inspite of what could go wrong. Life is a manifestation of your hope for everything to work together for your good. Since, you know your faith with works is enabling sufficient grace to keep at your soul for a tale that is your life, you savor every scene as significant in every role you embody.

Be that person who finds it worth it to make the hard choices, to push and even pull enough when required. At the same time, dream big and work just as much. Learn to do this without shame to look challenged, tired, or humbled when the eyes are on you. It is in these instances where your character is growing, and your life is changing for the best. It is never in the outcome but mostly in your input, behind the scenes. If you are a professional, you know that most final reports are credited to the head of an organization while that person did not even contribute nothing more than a signature. Your personal life is not so different. You need to be aware that your self-care regimes are needed as things are happening and not when they have been completed. If you need to get to a rest room and cry so that you can come out feeling rested, do that. But you might find that crying next to someone can really lift off the pressure to try and look like you are solid. Maybe being found out is your breakthrough. Maybe where you are struggling is where more people get to see the significance of their role in your script of life for it to be a good one.

Behind the scenes perfect performances are not really the goal, the most that comes close to the final product to be relatable is what is needed. And in your life, real is always needed.

Invest yourself more in the work it takes, not just the rewards it brings. The uncut version always makes it clear what needs to be improved upon. Make sure you are there for it.

Regards

Livhuwani