NO WASTED EXPERIENCES (Lessons Learned)

In January this year, I put to effect a choice I made for the year of focusing on Character Building Matters. This of cause was after I had asked God for a while in prayer, what it is that He was teaching me through a horrible experience I went through in the previous year. I remember resting in the discomfort that the pain I was going through was for my good because I finally learned the valuable lesson that I cannot change anyone and most certainly, I cannot control what others do. The new normal had to be about me learning to focus on the changes in me with hope that it will be for my betterment. I said; “my experiences won’t be wasted.”

A waste for me looked like being overtaken by hurt and kill myself, or be in the blaming mode of what has been done to me which was not on or fair. It looked like believing I deserved being mistreated because I probably influenced actions of others by the “way I was or used to be”. If I stopped believing in God because He allowed things to go wrong, and lead me to face certain disappointments, then I would have wasted last year’s experiences. This is when I felt the need to shift focus and really be honest in my vulnerability. I found myself daily facing my imperfections more than that of my oppressors. I could see that the way odds are favoring them to continue to live enjoying life as if nothing happened meant God has yet to deal with them. It was my journey of shame and isolation. A time to be an Outcast. No matter how hard I cried or try to express the need to redress things, there was no reconciliation or comprehension. Left without a choice but to begin self-work of accepting, forgiving and healing – I dived in. I called it turning Aches into Praise. I took advantage of my pain and used it to build my courage. Courage to not play victim but to just lean towards what I can get out of the revelations that came about, even though at the time I was sure there is more coming. That is when I realized that this whole thing has potential to build me up and even move on to a better space of Self-Care.

My spiritual character was becoming more intense. My prayers scared me. It was as if my faith was too much to handle and I certainly could not explain how or where I am getting it considering everything going on. My personal care regime was now on fire, I took care of myself like never before. I did not look like my problems. The psychology in me grew to a paradigm shift; I started embracing my emotions with kindness. This means I did not hold on to negative feelings for too long and thoughts as I use to. I was aware that when it gets too crowded I must unplug, meditate, talk to someone or do something to counter act the depressed state looming. It was hard but I knew, I could feel that this was the experience in which, if I do not pick myself up from the fall and pluck myself out from the pit, I am going to be actively depressed for a long time this time. I felt like my unborn child could die or me for that matter. My character took shape, and each day was reinforcing a narrative to focus on positive thoughts and do things that I would wish done to me should I ever find myself running short of grace. I felt like a fool but somehow hopeful that I am possibly well on my way to an authentic self.

I once wrote and expressed that to be challenged channels my focus and that I was no longer afraid. This was when I had a theme to focus on Matters of growth. These words stung like a bee as I was going through the aftermath of what the end of 2021 breathed in to my bucket of life experiences. The words you say to yourself manifest kind of things. You will definitely believe and live by them if you really meant them. I really surprised myself all thanks to God and the few real ones he kept close at the time. What I wished for to happen was finally happening as growth was on effect. I had to grow exactly as I blogged about while “life was good* - so I thought. I had to be positive about the flawed person I am. I needed to self-reflect a lot on my contribution to the turbulents at hand. I had to build myself up and believe praying is enough to keep me going. I had to be determined in order to reap from Contentment over what is and let go of what I thought my life was. The lie I was living was no longer maintainable. A public fall is humbling. When you have to take time off from work, stop-doing things you love and even declare you are unfit to take care of your own kids, then you know humble pie is the only dish served. I went through all this and my defenses were off. Do or die, I RECOGNIZED. The furthest I would walk is to the gate at home. I made hard choices daily, a choice to not stay angry or be projecting. I had every right to go mad finally, but somehow I had no strength for it. I had the proof that my suspicions were correct but it felt pointless to lay them on the table. I could have written explosive pieces that probably would not have increased the number of my followers, but I was sure the Lord’s faithfulness to me with just those who were in the knowing was enough. I remember taking showers more than thrice at a time just so I would not feel my tears coming down. The old me would have done and felt justified to be acting crazy but the experiences at hand really kept me on a tight spot. Spot that had loud voices on repeat; “Focus on changing yourself for the better “ “all the revelations are freeing you” “you can now be free to be yourself now that you’ve see through the lies“ “the truth has set you free” “ God has protected you from many things that could have blocked your progress “ “ you can now really choose you and not feel guilty about it” ”you are now making grown up choices as a mother” “ you are favored” “ change” “Focus on you unapologetically now”… I keep saying now that, while it was the most devastating betrayal I have experienced as an adult, it sure made me realize how much of an accountable adult I have come to be. It reassured me of my best attributes and highlighted my flaws. For someone who asked for growth in the beginning of 2021, for it to end the way it did was reassuring that the individual path I am on for sure is not a waste.

For some reason, I started being loud about my love for soccer again. This might be weird but a few soccer seasons passed and I convinced myself I do not enjoy the sport any more. This was simply because it was something that had replaced me in someone’s life. Not just soccer, many fickle things like a cellphone and the love of money had become more valuable where I thought I deserved more attention. Therefore, in the midst of being broken, I started going back to things I truly love since my pride was destroyed and there was no reason to think trying to punish myself can change things. In addition, for the Love of Liverpool FC (trust me, I was focusing on other teams to try to be supportive of other peoples preferences over mine) it was our season to shine. The comfort I got from watching this team in the 2021/2022 season will forever live in me as a time my degree of resilience came to life. Talking about being able to cope mentally during crisis, I am so glad I finally made myself proud by refusing to act up as a way to be heard as I use to in past year. The experience of being betrayed for some reason convinced me of the exceptional woman I am in terms of being of integrity. I realized just how accountable I am even when I could be justified to get loose. I convinced myself that in that space of being wronged I'm just being reassured of how much of a better treatment I deserved. Moreover, the real mark was that I did not have to look for this better treatment from others, but leaned towards being more caring to myself. The dishonor encouraged me to start taking charge of my own happiness. This is what I will never get tired of keeping up with now - The fact that I no longer have to count on others to be happy with myself.

Therefore, at the end of every experience that leaves you totally altered, care to find some kind of treasures that became known through it all. This is what I feel is all about, discovering and rediscovering what works for the person you have become and what needed not to be forsaken for the sake of shining other people’s light.

All your experiences are meant to help you shine. Do not let what you go through be at the expense of you actually being your best self. Your best self is the kind that shines even when it is dark. The kind that knows they deserve better even when thrown in the pits of life’s derogatory encounters. Do not waste your shine, it Matters, You Matter! Regards Livhuwani