Positive Matters

I was never ready for what I opened up when I choose to focus on positive things and ways to go about life this month.

As mentioned in my previous posts, positive matters have to do with being true and hopeful. No surprise, being true lead me to some serious face off with myself. The more I kept talking and investing in thinking about things differently and handling them better, the more exposed my shortcomings became. Is like I opened up myself to some sort of deliverance, from myself. The best thing that came out of this month’s focus is taking myself back to counseling. The camouflage went off!

This time around, seeing my psychologist was on another level. Let’s just say, never ignore triggers and never put off going for therapy if you know you suffer from depression. As you can imagine, mood swings is a thing for most people suffering from this illness. It truly wasn’t easy being positive about things, about my life, when my mind is still pondering on something that happened years ago, that hurt me but I brushed off in the name of “peace”. In the name of I’m stronger and wiser. In the name of I am not a victim but a survivor. Even though I had talked about it with my husband and even cried earlier this year, saying I saw something and I felt somehow... there was more to my feelings. I inherently suppressed them and pretended I’m over it. That I am okay. Well, that was not okay!

Overthinking totally gripped me. Even though all was well around me, inside it was a volcano erupting. This is nothing new for me. But this time, eventually, I couldn’t sleep. I was snapping at just everyone who tries me. I developed some pattern of road rage. The smallest things I built up mountains of disapproval and disappointment from. I literally ended up just calling the doctor’s office saying I am not okay. This is the one positive thing I did this whole month. Admit that I am not okay and work towards being okay.

A Positive You Matters really is not about being naïve into ignoring things going on inside and around you, that threatens your peace. I found that being positive has more to do with dealing with matters at hand, positively. This is more of handling life and what it is giving you with honesty, grace and hope. It has nothing to do with you going around telling people you are okay and when you are not. It is not about postponing a visit to your doctor because you think you can handle the pain because it is familiar, it is definitely not about going around flashing everything that’s good in your life when you know very well the flash backs of your past are haunting you when no one is around. A Positive You Matters I’ve found, has to do with being honest with myself when all is well and mostly, when help is needed.

I am so grateful to myself for this month, for I managed to actively get back to counseling. I feel a lot less anxious and really am finding that the inner light I started off seeking in the beginning of this month, truly needed what was hindering my spirit- emotionally, to be let out. And I shall carry on with this journey. There really is much to loose for me should I ever ignore the signs again.

I am grateful to my life partner; you are very patient and supportive of me. It is one of the reasons I am so open to growth.

This post is hopefully going to help someone out there, who is losing sleep, reliving pain, not knowing who trust, who to talk to, afraid to be called an attention seeker, afraid to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Please find courage and get help. It is not easy but it is a step towards the light. You will feel a lot lighter by just admitting you are not doing well to someone who is of an unbiased opinion towards you and your life.

A Positive You Matters continues to be a worthy cause. May we take care of our spirits. May we be hopeful but with honesty that sometimes things are not going well and that we are not okay. It really is the bravest thing you could ever admit to yourself. There is no weakness in seeking help in the right places. It actually saves lives!

Your mental well-being Matters, and so do you. Even if you are prayerful, religious, a Christian like me, you do need help.Take care!

Regards

Livhuwani