Self-acceptance

There is no tomorrow for the person I was yesterday. This is what I’m telling myself this month. I have come to accept this. I have come to accept myself. It is in this day that I have reasons to wish for a great future but what is more important is that I live for today, taking it for what it is, as I am.

Realities

For someone like me who has lived most of their adult life fighting to fit in and feel accepted, you can imagine the work needed for me to be present within myself, for myself. It demands a lot of self-confrontation and compassion. A lot of self-reminders of how lethal not taking care of myself is, actually.

If I talk about the people, things and situations that contributed on my lack of real Self-acceptance I would be lost in my own purpose. My purpose is to build myself up to be more self loving. So in no way does focusing on others or things help. I am aware that I have serious trauma over rejection and being put down, but I’m grown now and take full account of participating in harboring that which comes with being rejected. I mean, if someone shows me they don’t like or want me, why did I choose to find out what they like so that I can conform to their preference? If I tried something and it didn’t work out and I insist it’s my fault all the time even though I worked hard, doesn’t that mean I actually added to my misery? If you are like me and found that you’ve had to identify yourself in the circle of people who see you as someone they are forced to tolerate because you are a part of them, not by their own choice but circumstance, then you know how this plays at your own understanding of self. You ask God questions like why He allowed for you to make choices that lead you to be in their surroundings, their lives. You start feeling like your life is a joke. You try so hard to be yourself but realize that the more exposed you are to them, the less of yourself you are becoming. This is simply because you are in a battlefield to try and fit in but naturally your entire being is telling you that you shouldn’t. You end up doing what is safe and what helps you get through the day. If you are like me, you stay in the same environment but completely numb. You develop a habit of overworking yourself or staying busy so that you get tired and sleep most of the time when around them to just feel like you are being productive so they can see you are not useless. You start writing like me just to release. And the less time you spend exposed to them, the more you convince them you are not likeable. The more you seem distant, the more bothered and anxious you get when you are forced to even greet them. I don’t know how your experience has been but for me I made the biggest mistake ever, I accepted I’m not enough, worthy or acceptable to society the more I lived attached to them. And believing this meant I was convinced I didn’t Matter or amount to anything. Consequently, Self-Love and acceptance became impossible.

Consequences

Living with a mind that has worked out to conclude being rejected translates worthlessness is like going somewhere for the first time over and over again without ever feeling like you know the route to get there and the purpose to stay there. You never have enough time to get familiar but you are stuck in a routine of always making the trip. You try your best to prepare yourself by packing a lot of things in your mind that this time I will be different /it will be different and you get there and find things and people still the same and so your laguage remains heavy for there is no room nor time for you to even unpack. If you get to a point where you accept this as the way of life, you will find that years of your life went by but there is little or nothing substantial you truly came to build up for yourself. If you got a job, you’ll find that you don’t really enjoy it. If you are married, you’ll find that you are not feeling the warmth having someone to live with brings through their companionship. You will find that simple things to enjoy are so hard for you to even recognize. Having money becomes a drug to numb the void with superficial things. So many of your blessings rarely ever get to marvel for your gratefulness ain’t sincere. Instead, you are consumed with what and who does not want you/work for you/welcomes you. Self-Care to you translate self-denial. If you are living feeling like this, this one is for you. I hope it makes you feel normal to know that even Livhuwani Tshikovhi has been through what I’m going through.

Hard Resolutions

What helped me to pull out was praying those hard prayers of asking God to take over. Simply put, I prayed prayers of thanking God for what is not working and who has shown disinterest towards me. This was so that I see things for what they are and not force things. Then I told myself that it is protection from falsehood, the less people pleasing I became to exude. I’m not sure how healthy this was but I also focused immensely on my kids to the point that if I’m home I don’t make room for anyone or anything else that doesn’t concern them. Then slowly I started filtering my phone book. I literally got into a habit of blocking people who make me feel less of anything valuable. The only ones I conceptualized over became those I am sure care for me. I found that it is just a few people. So my circle became smaller and I started having this big room that’s empty of self in me. So, I found myself totally unaware of who I am or want. When you find yourself in this situation, you start making this small random choices to explore what your life is about really now that you are blocking out what and who is not. I conclude what I needed is better care of self. It was hard because I had to face truths like how I Self-neglected.

I found myself admitting to facts like how easily manipulated I was because I was prioritizing other people’s approval first. And also, I started noticing many side effects of unattended childhood trauma that I could use healing from. Evidently so, I found courage to face facts and started therapy. This has happened to be one of the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever had to do for myself, by myself. It literally helped me shape up in to believing in myself and trust that I am worth investing on. In other words, I took a risk in myself. Eventually, it became my lifestyle that I live set on Self-Care.

Slow and Continuous Progress

Some years in going about this focus on self-development, a lot of falsehood around me lost its power, as it use to cloud my judgment concerning self-worth. I lost a lot of relationships and habits that fueled self-loathing. When this happens, you start realizing how much more beautiful it is to be alone rather than being around pretense. You start doing things you love without apologizing should it not agree with what is expected of you by others. And then new challenges come to life helping you find the best of your abilities. All this I must say, takes time and some serious dedication to being brutally honest with yourself and others. It gets lonely and at times seem like you are rude but it harbors less regrets and anger towards things that happen that are hard to accept. And thanks to continuously praying for God to take the lead, you start trusting processes going on around you to be for your good. It is really just Self-acceptance. When you are in the knowing of your truth, the world around you has no choice but to align with what let’s the true you thrive. I must be honest and say this, alignment is mostly rough and really demanding. You are literally in need of constant oiling so that your rustic tendencies don’t harden your heart any further. And the truth is, you will fall apart every now and then, but at least now you will be more equipped to self-manage back together. To me , this has been what I call living in Self-awareness that my life matters no matter what or who agrees or not (including self).

Staying Hopeful

As it is a month for women, I hope with all we go through, all that we carry, we will never let it be a convenience for us to look down on ourselves or each other. I hope we can rather be the kind that supports and build all that’s beautiful about ourselves. It Matters that we live in Self-acceptance, this is the key to a serene love affair with self.

Happy Women’s Month. It Matters that you let your Self-acceptance rest in what the Lord says about you and that is the fact that - You Matter to Him!

Psalm 139:13-16

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

1 John 3:1

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

Regards

Livhuwani