Self- Compassion

Self-Kindness...

What a time to be alive. With the humbling load shedding schedules and the high cost of living in my side of the world , I am falling in the group of those who have been changing their lifestyle. Being a mother and a wife, you’d think that must be the hardest thing to yield to. However, in my case – the hardest part of adapting and adopting to many life’s changes and demands, has been in the work on self and aligning a healthier emotional state of being to this very complicated world we live in. I will leave the blog posts before this to do the elaboration for the curious. I am in a space now of recovering, restoring and rebuilding. It hasn’t been easy but I am very gentle with myself about it. I have to be, if I am going to thrive.

In the past four months,being particularly protective over whatever I’m at peace with has been a thing. And, I am at peace with myself lately. In making sure I don’t fool myself into making things to be what they are not, I end up having more capacity to identify and settle my mind in what is real. Whatever mood I am in, I own it. And I do this with a certain level of seeking the harvest from what is true setting me free. One of the truths I’ve had to accept is on how hard I have been on myself – probably most of my life. It was Lloyiso’s song (Give a little kindness) that kept me up this one night, on the 17th of April (just a few weeks back from now) – and I was so emotional thinking about all the gruesome tasks I’ve been committed to for my mental health’s demands. And, I just felt like I truly need to pause and give myself flowers. And then this blog came about.

One of the many lessons I have been learning over and over from my trying times is to give myself grace, just as I manage to give a few. This earned from many downfalls, wherein I would be told things like I took advantage of you because you didn’t value yourself and be treated like I do not quite ever do enough. Having certainty that you are not enough to someone you hold dear is not comfortable. It took me a while to really make peace with facts of such weight. It is truly hard to hear and experience, but it also then provides an opportunity to then just focus on yourself without feeling guilty or like you are unkind, if you are on some serious Self-Care quest like I've been. Once someone makes you feel like it is your fault that you don’t deserve some grace, love, care, acknowledgement and confidence from them, you have more room for those who do. So, you will also have more room to fill up your own cup. You will definitely need to start counting on yourself to feel and live in your own grace, love, care, acknowledgement and confidence. This has been a lifestyle in my world that really made it clear of where I am wanted and not so relevant. Not only that, it has made me fully learn to choose my own company without feeling lonely because I would be so aware that it is better to be alone than be exposed to where I am an inconvenience. This is what Self-Care has been supplying, kindness to self.

It is no secret that my blog here is an outlet to try and understand why I am the way I am. I tend to have a voice of harsh judgment on self and as well, try not to focus on others to be saved from my own inequities. With acknowledgement of my emotional being, the kind of relationships I have with many people are challenging because I tend to be self-conscious. I love that I have come to be this kind of person who rather engages from a point of not trying to minimize flaws. But also, put it out there that I am proudly doing a lot of inner work to be better, for myself. If you are in some kind of therapy (professionally) , you will know how hard it is, to always be reminded that no matter what is done to you or what you experience, you will have to process the outcomes as the main character. Self- pity won’t help, revenge won’t leave you at peace and not having patience with self is basically a defeating aspect to whatever healthier state of mind and being you hope to be. There is a serious stronghold that comes with not making peace with what you need to own up to, whenever you are trying to move forward with your life. A journey has to start somewhere for it to be defined as a certain path leading to something. Life goes on whether you are having clarity or not, as to where you are in your life journey. I have found that the best place and space to be present in my journey, is where and when I am not giving someone or somethings ownership to whatever happens. Self-Care Journey puts you in the lead of everything that is either working out or not. You can’t become better and fail to recognize yourself for it. And you must not trip and be the kind to focus on blaming the next person or circumstance, to justify your stagnant stages. Furthermore, this will require a certain awareness to what you can and can’t do, and you will need to be very gracious towards yourself to actually get to see the value Self-Care.

A growing understanding...

In accepting yourself, you basically adapt and adopt to what being you means and subjects to. This then helps in becoming objective in many prospects of your life I have found. You will be very clear when you letting yourself down, when working for your strengths and also attract what adds to your shine. I am of hope that this can breed a self- compassionate attitude and approach to many other different life’s events I will face. The hope is to end up actively selective of my engagements and also appropriate myself better when I feel like I am exposed to the unfamiliar. You cannot be beating yourself down to a breaking point, just because someone didn’t take your advice or take you seriously. I suffered a lot from waiting to be acknowledged for my acts of service in the past, because that is my love language. You cannot live a life of wanting to be taken serious everywhere and in everything that you are about. There are times when you will not even be relevant to a certain cause that is in your path, but you will still need to be eagerly present. You will put in a lot of hard work in some things, but find that the outcome didn’t quite land as profound. At times you will even realize you were just going through certain things just for others to elevate through you and your side is a bit unmoved. Not because it or you didn’t matter, but because you have already moved further already, hence you where a good addition to the team. Sometimes your downfalls will serve as wake up calls for some that naively benchmarked greatness in your name. A self- compassionate you must be at peace with knowing that you did what you could and you can’t control everything beyond your means/resources/provisions. What is meant for you doesn't always make sense nor reveal itself as such. That is why when people are self- blaming and feeling guilty, it is hard to get them to remove themselves from being in control. They are also struggling to accept what they have working out for their good sometimes. It then leaves them almost wishing more bad things could happen, because then they can say I deserve it, since I did that. Since I was not that respectful then I deserved being cheated on, I don’t have a degree - I deserve to be treated like my work is not valuable against that of so and so with academic accolades. I never had loving parents, then I deserved to be treated like a slave by my aunt. Sometimes we get caught up justifying the injustice in our lives because we can't even imagine what better treatment is, since we've never really had it in certain instances. A self-compassionate you should be aware and content with contributing a lot, and not be praised for it openly. You must be the kind of person who is found out to be so special and not be so puffed up about it, since you have been aware and firm in recognizing your worth in your own space, in the background. You must believe that you too deserve good favor no matter how hard things happened to be. To be kind to yourself is an act of rooting for yourself within, before others, even through very notable borders standing before your progression.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” — Jack Kornfield

Self-compassion is a real step into developing a sense of awareness to how hard you tend to be on yourself and then others. You must be willing to cut yourself some slack before you go around giving grace to others as if You don’t Matter! The truth is, it is very hard to genuinely be understanding of other people’s lives /preferences / choices if you struggle with understanding yourself. Give to others what you would also give to yourself. This is what I am starting to get to, now that I have a good sense of self.

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries…

In the past, the old me would cry over not being able to go assist at a function for a loved one. That kind of crying that would be an umbrella of guilt and fear that “they” will think I don’t care. The old me would invest so much in trying to counsel others, be the voice of hope as much as possible. It is still something I do. But, back then before I learned to love myself first, I would give so much of myself effortlessly and passionately trying to feel significant and even prove I am not self- centered as I was labeled in about 10 years ago. I know this because I tried so hard to be involved even in places I knew I am insignificant. Whenever someone accepted me and my efforts, I felt a sigh of relief in feeling like I matter or I am useful. Unfortunately, being rejected was more dominant and to this day, there are many rooms I walk into, filled with people I love, who I have had to grow out of love with. Simply because, they make me pour too much and they would not preserve but spill out elsewhere. So I have been going through a lot that made me realize that I actually need not to be in love with them, but can love them. I can be genuinely happy for them and wish them well without expecting them to appreciate or notice. This really took a lot of time to come to terms with. So many of my relationships were based on expecting acknowledgement from others to feel worthy. I lived waiting to be called to be involved. I lived initiating, imposing, compromising and belittling as much of myself, thinking that is how I will get a seat in many tables. It is only last year, where I made peace with not showing up as much. Also, make peace with not being regarded as part of many environments. And this year, with the many boundaries I needed for so long, to put up for a better functioning and healthier self- I found myself honestly refusing to avail where I end up derailed emotionally. And that has been some level of compassion I never thought I would ever reach. The fear of being judged as dramatic or too emotional hasn’t been holding me back and send me to depleting spaces as of late. And my God, the release of these chains have left me realizing nobody really cared if I did show up or not. It was all in my head. And I swear, if you are someone who gives a lot but never feel like it is ever reciprocated – you could be giving in the wrong places, for wrong reasons as well. At this point of my Self-Care journey, no way will it come without some serious reflection, that I will just empathize with others on things I am struggling to empathize with my own self. I am not about to think being too available or accessible makes me a better human. In my case, it is a red flag that I am trying too hard to show I care and love. And that can only mean, I am probably self- neglecting simultaneously. Self- neglect is not for people who know they matter!

“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.” — Brene Brown

As I wrap this up, think about how you could be lacking in showing kindness to yourself as much as you do others. Then ask yourself if you are really okay with it. Are you okay with being the one who is always initiating for a good time? Would you be okay if you find a definite answer that you are not on that guest list because to them you are not that significant? Why do you have to be the one to always get the little piece, last bite, left overs – when you are the one who cooked? Perhaps, you need to learn to serve yourself as much as you serve others. It is a beautiful exercise, that teaches others how much you actually love and care for yourself. And that is commendable!

Be Self- compassionate! – You deserve the goodness you always give out to others, mostly from yourself.

Regards

Livhuwasha