Self-reflection is...

I do not know about you, but with me, there are distinctive things that throw me off and some of those I am aware of. Then there are times when I realize that though I have grown to expect my reactions and be okay with it (and myself) , sometimes I am just indifferent.

I experienced this a few weeks ago, with just seeing a picture. It was not making sense that I was okay with what and who I saw carrying on with their lives, with people I hold dear in my heart, as if nothing happened. The saying that "Life goes on" was too real. Though in a state of questioning reality, something in me choose not to make it a big deal. After all, it is the past and I am no longer self- defining as a victim but a conqueror. Sounds good I know, there is no reason to get stuck in that situation. Then some two days after, from nowhere, something in me told me I am lying to myself and should face what I saw and the casual talks that I handled so well about it. I think, that part where I said felt like it did not make sense that I was okay- lead to a string of self-actualization as far as healing was concerned. I have spent a long time invested in healing from that particular event so much that I never really acknowledged that I have overcome though I knew I’ve made some pretty good progress. My attitude towards that has changed, I have changed and it seems I did not really get that, hence my indifference.

I remember it so vividly, it was a quiet late morning as most of them are on a school day, that I took a note book and sat down, went over that picture in my head and eventually started crying. I did feel good about my cry for that is how I know I process, just not when I provoked my emotions about things intentionally, the way I did. The part where I just carry on as if nothing happened, as if that picture had no story to tell, short of emotion, is what did not sit well with me I think. I cried and cried till I could start writing. The last thing I wrote to myself was that I have conquered and that I should carry on, just not as if nothing happened, like I did when I first saw that picture. It would seem, I expected that past event to haunt me for life that to break-down would be a natural reaction. Well, I have learned that it does not to have to be that way with every devastating experience. And as I reflect, from spending years not talking about it to coming out with it, and eventually working through it, this journey(process) is gently bearing its fruits, apparently. I am sounding shocked because I was shook myself when I did realize. I am grateful for this, especially for I never got a sorry, I never had to confront that person and it would seem they have forgotten considering I got a Facebook friend request from them once which I rejected and took it as if they mistakenly pressed a button of cause. I mean, why would they think it is okay to even contemplate on a virtual friendship with someone they abused. What? Did they like forget who they are, use to be to me, and many others? Anyways, what matters here is that, time is a healer and it is important to reflect on which wounds are still open and those which have shut, that the scars are no longer haunting you but signifying healing. It is important to find answers revolving around self-preservation rather than focusing on the poking. It is enough after all that I will never forget. Why should I now then want to make the wound active all over again, when I can just live with the scar? I thank God for this, mainly for it meant I have forgiven myself for putting myself in that space, even though I was young. At times when this quotes on healing and forgiveness hit home , rather than the other person, you think it is just one of those wishful thinking until it is a choice you need to make in your life, so that you can harness peace and grind to weaken what it has potential to destroy. I guess because it is a hard choice to make, not recognizing its value until life decides you have no other choice but to move on, can be hard as well. I am also convinced that this Self-Care Investments I keep busy with, are truly positioning me to better understand why I am the way I am to my delight. I could cry just thinking about this, I truly believe that I Matter now. I am owning this progress!

What is your process in self-reflecting? Do you see the need and engage or you trip upon it when you no longer have a choice? Do you ever introspect to make sure you get your way of approaching life or you wait for life-flames to burn you mightily first? Do you make time to assess your reactions to things, events and people? As for me, I do, just not as much as I need to.

I have concluded that I should make it part of my way to developing Self-Power and be consistent. Since that day, I started noticing how different I refer to matters of the past. I started recognizing how I can say certain people's names now and not go numb. Just yesterday, I also acknowledged how I have not yet forgiven a random artist who will never know who I am, after I failed to not comment on someone's status who was acknowledging he is talented. Hahaha, this was a revolutionary argument! I almost scored a headache, until I admitted I am just personalizing the whole status. You see, the thing about being self-aware is that, when you are just out of bounds, you can bravely admit to it. There is power in being able to admit when you are receiving matters in a certain way, away from what it was intended for so that other people can be made aware of where you are coming from. This, rather than just going over board with your self-expression and explanatory. Hey now, self-reflection is another way to cultivate Self-Power, truly!

"the activity of thinking about your own feelings and behaviour, and the reasons that may lie behind them" - Self reflection (Cambridge English Dictionary)

What I am getting here is that investing in understanding yourself is a necessity. Do you know how easy it is to find yourself in situations that are unhealthy because you failed to separate your opinion of things from that of others? The enemies made from this, the relationships broken (including that with oneself) and yet, those involved can't pin point why it had to be that way. People who are fighting but can not really tell why the fighting never ends for they don’t know how it started. The "what ifs" that are so haunting for as time keeps on moving, it becomes clearer and clearer that not knowing why you were reacting the way you did, made you miss out on an opportunity to be peaceful in your differences/disagreements. The anger you are holding against others sometimes is misplaced due to this one reason, you have yet to self-reflect and confront your reasoning and behavior. It is not that the situation is totally wrong, senseless, unforgivable and unacceptable, you have yet to forgive yourself for reacting the way you did as this will force you to face the not so fine, accommodating, friendly and understanding side of you.

It is with a humble pie plated that I write this. I know someone I need to share something with, now that I know them better, I am sure that the space I was in at a certain point in my life, made me think of them ill. Even when God kept placing us in the same paths so that I could look beyond my pity, I just kept insisting on refusing to recognize their kindness. I am so grateful God kept them coming, I am learning so much from them now that I am not full of nonsense, running from my own ugly.

The power of self reflecting lies in being true with/to yourself. The more you confront yourself as to why you are the way you are, the better chance you will have at presenting yourself. If you want to improve your life, if you want to be all about growth and its embrace, this process can serve you well.

Be sure to take time to introspect and see how it turns out. It might just be what you need to let go of some things and even get you to somewhere great. It is another way to Reap from Contentment. It Matters, You Matter!

Regards

LT