Self-Respect!

It is winter and I have a bit of warmth in me. I remain tiny but my heart contains a bigger love. Whatever lies told about me have nothing on the ones I use to tell myself. Whatever good you have heard of me, has nothing on the goodness I receive from the Lord. This kind of intro is of people who get that to experience someone is better than to just hear of them. That to be respected is better than to be feared. Respect I write about in this blog. The one element I have been coming to terms with due to my Self-care, is self-respect. I have been all in with having a good relationship with myself. As much as things always round up to a better knowledge of self and care for oneself, I have come to yield in a position of appreciating and taking pride in what this overwhelming task has accompanied with. As I persist to live in the knowledge that I Matter, let me take you through what my roar is about at this moment. But first, I will also let you in on the build-up.

The Foundation...

Lucky number seven in years since I had a rude awakening on what I would call a series of a proper reintroduction to what adulthood is and is not. Back in 2016 as mentioned before, my career took a turn to what I thought was a highlight, especially for I had just had my elder daughter. We named her after me, expressing our thankfulness. Like most women, I thought I was done occupying my womb. So, I was all up in that train of I can focus on my career. I was lucky, I had a great childcare worker who held it down (in reflection). Half of that very same year turned into a whole lot of confusion. I not only struggled to enjoy my job, I struggled to even make sense of being independent and still not be happy. Strike one of learning what adulthood is not. Then in 2017, my challenges and experiences landed me in therapy the year that followed. To be bold, let me say I had a clear indication that being married, a family woman with a career did not hit the spot. I wish I could blame it on my husband, the demands of sustaining a work life balance or even the pressures and rejection from beloveds. No, I cannot! At this point, I can just be honest and say I had no esteem. I did not think of me first and I struggled to be at peace with both good and dreadful things happening in and around me. This all mean trusting myself was foreign and therefore, had no self-respect. The only respectful thing I did was at the end of 2017, when I accepted that no amount of sacrifice I made for my family and marriage earned me the love I knew I deserved, or even recognition that I have value beyond bringing about grandchildren. I also realized growth in my workplace was unlikely and the admission to being unhealthy mentally came like a thunder strike. When you are unhappy and unhealthy, trauma from childhood creeps in smoothly like a thief in the night. You will not dial 10111 and get a response, and no sex will relieve you to help you sleep even three hours a night.

So, I said I would start working on myself and go for therapy. That was a starting point of Self-awareness, self-care, and self-respect. This admission to a proper beating by adulthood, took my weight to a size of teens isles in the clothing stores. I still go there now, depending on the kind of clothes I am buying. Back then, I could only fit in there in everything. It had my marriage in the rocks some more. I was doing a lot of things that really did not help me feel good about myself when it is time to fall asleep. Anyone who really loved me might have seen through the loneliness and loss of direction, and lack in confidence. Anyone who was taking only what they saw in my social media, probably thought I was the happiest person alive. With the real ones, I remember, one dear person said, "maybe you are just a diamond in the rough", in one casual conversation amongst other women. I recall a colleague complimenting me the first time I spent the festive season in the office, saying I look a bit like I am gaining weight in 2018. I remember registering to study the year after and starting a business and a blog the year that followed. If you are really following this timeline, you will realize that I have been in my Self-Care journey before I could even put a name on it. This right here, is me putting it out there - this is what working on oneself is about, a key to gaining self-respect. It is that deep, consuming and rewarding. I am proud of myself.

The Journey...

In taking Self-acceptance on as my theme/focus, I am continuing to find myself at peace with who I am, decisions I have been making and acts of self-love and compassion. Truthfully so, this has been leaving me sure of the amount of self-respect I now harbour. I am also very protective of this because it is not as easy as reading it like now put in a blog. It is taking up turns that are dense. I am realizing that this journey is the only individual accomplishment standing. Other developmental things I started along the way have either concluded or were swept away because they were not as I thought they were. Things at this point in my Self-care journey (the person I am now), coming from where I am from, makes me struggle to entertain a lot of things merely because they no longer compliment or agree with the kind of LOVE and ACCEPTANCE I HAVE FOR SELF. The level of forgiveness I afford myself with all the face offs I have subjected myself with to heal, move on and be at peace with all that I was and Am: sure, is solid. I am no longer dependent on what life conditioned me to react to with victim-role tendencies, and that is for me what holding myself to a higher regard is. All the things that leave me despondent do not overrule me to a point of being in the deep end anymore. I will not function as though there is no loss, pain, hard changes to live with and fear there and there, but at the same time I am able to apply healthy boundaries, to not deem myself doomed for a portion of good thing in my life.

I often find myself having courage to finally say I can publish a blog only after an episode of coming to an epiphany that I have outgrown or have discovered a new perspective about something I either struggled with or doubted to be about. If you go through my blog, my opening statement talks about how epiphanies are a big part of growing. You can imagine how a journey of working on myself has meant for me to come to believe I have tapped in the overflowing of self-respect. This is progress.

The Ongoing Learning…

Self-respect for me has been about choosing or doing things that leave me standing alone, if I know the present company/energy/task/realities projects toxicity to a peace I have worked hard to attain within me. I am trusting my own judgement more. I am also finding it to be less of a guilt trip when I find that I was off mark with certain choices. At the same time, removing myself from situations that deliberately trigger my sense of stability with self does not have to be about walking out, lashing out or even not showing up. Do not get me wrong, those reactions have worked for me in some cases, as well as prove to be remarkably ineffective or even immature. One of the biggest outcomes in all this, is being conscious of what my reason for a certain reaction carry. When I am not proud, I do still beat myself up. However, lately I am now appreciating that I do so because I have a higher regard of self. I hope you get where I am getting at. Recently, life exposed to me to an environment I knew bears with a lot of uneasiness. I knew I could not escape it and that I will be depleted emotionally when all is said and done. The old me would get in with superficial feelings of hope that things would be different. This time however, I went in with healthy expectations and clarity of what and who is important. I even understood that possibility is I would be taken advantage of, deemed valuable just for the task at hand to pass. I was not wrong. The best thing about all this is that I already had made a great deal of progress in deeming myself valuable outside such an environment. This is what Self-respect is about, for me. You must be someone who goes out in the world knowing, understanding, believing and proud of your own abilities so that you do not depend on outside praises. You need to know your worth to a point that when and where it is not recognized, you do not overreact or try to prove yourself. Self-respect is the kind of self-tuning that leaves you in a healthy space with self when everything and everyone else fails to be of susceptible conditions. Consider all this that I am saying in that area of your life, those relationships that leave you in no position to run from but know very well they do not add value to your authentic being. The life lesson in those relationships is not for the other parties to start seeing, respecting, and validating you. The trick is to start respecting yourself by investing in self-love.

My Firmness…

Lately I am becoming unapologetic in letting people know that I am not available. Honestly, the person I am does not take it well when someone excessively impose them-self into my space. And, because I increasingly spend time on my own, company is not so appealing nor a matter of dependency. This has even meant that my social anxiety is in check now because I am not about to feel guilty for not answering a social call from people who treat me like dirt while we are physically together. I am not trying to win a price of being the friendliest person either. Life has taught me well, that I will never be for everyone. Self-respect for me is coming out in simple things like not buying cheap talk over something by people I know have a reputation of letting themselves down. Honestly, how people treat themselves must speak volume to you, on how you must engage with them. The same applies with all of us, if we know we matter and not live treating ourselves as such, why would they be R.E.S.P.E.C.T put on our names? I am getting to the truth that you may never feel at peace or deserving of anything good in your life, unless you believe in yourself. To be respected by other people will never serve much of a purpose if you are blind to a need of your own cheerleading and esteem. Is like how when violated but end up excusing it – that is a red flag to a lack in Self-respect. When you cannot set healthy boundaries in your life as you relate with others, that is not a sign of being kind – it is you lack self-respect. When you act like you do not matter, you are struggling with self-respect. When all that self-demise builds up, the world around you stumps on every fiber of your being till it cannot hold. When you cannot hold yourself down, you start losing out on self-compassion. No self-compassion means no self-love, you let yourself go. It is not who or what we are meant to be about if we are invested in Self-Care.

Reflecting and relating…

Self-respect is also reflecting in things I know I am not in control of, and others that have nothing to do with me. You know, ever since I was young, people would mistake me to be a boy. I went through a juncture of low esteem over this. It is still happening to this day, and with my haircuts and all, it is happening noticeably more than when I was younger. As I was editing this piece, a guy greeted me; “Sanibona Bhuti.” I looked up smiling and said, “Yebo!” There were times when this would happen, and I would react and try to correct people right away. Other times I would just make angry faces to show I am not happy for being mistaken for a male/brother. Then, in ridiculously hard days, I would even cry about it the next time I look in the mirror. Self-respect built in my journey of self-acceptance to a point of feeling sorry when those who mistaken me for a male, quickly apologize as they would be realizing otherwise. It is an honest mistake I believe will continue because trust me, I do look like a guy in certain angles. I see it, it is true. Once I shaved my head and I got remarks that I am even taking up space for real men. How I look however, is only relative to what the outside relays. Self-respect conditions you to see yourself beyond your looks. It is one of those things most of us have in some areas of our lives, which we can either accept or suffer inwardly as we try to deny. Where in your life do you think you are conditioning a low self-esteem due to lack of self-acceptance? Self-awareness here can really come to your rescue in opening channels that earns you a healthier relationship with a more dignified outlook of self. The real work is always from inside out, in this journey of self-care.

The Legacy…

I have been telling my toddlers as of late that the friends they choose speaks volume on how they feel about themselves. In days when they do something that leaves me rebuking them, I am throwing in statements like, “you must respect yourself ““you must love yourself, you cannot get all that mess on your clothes like that… ““You cannot sit like that my girl, respect yourself” It is not even something I plan to say, it just started coming out. It is from my own self-respect practices. I am now feeling confident to even deposit healthy doses of self-worth to my offspring. It could be the only achievement I have been consistently nurturing in the past three years in them. Building them up to like and love themselves. I will write this with more conviction – You Matter more than your looks. Work on embracing certain physical features you know are limiting your abilities to love yourself more, so that you can be at your best. Your Best is enough, you are Enough – Respect that, Respect You!

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

― Hunter S. Thompson, The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman, 1955-1967

Self-Respect is key to self-trust and joy within! You need this to be at peace with who you are and aspire to become. Take care!

#SELFCARE #SELFRESPECT #SELFLOVE #SELFAWARENESS #SELFCOMPASSION #SELFTRUST #MEDIABYWIX #YOUMATTER

NB: Credit to Wix for all the images

Regards

Livhuwasha

livhuwasha.wixsite.com/website