Serenity with Self...

My compliments to the new year. I wish for ease, warmth, and joy for all. It is a bit late for this, but what harm is there really! what a transformation I have been going through. Grateful to the attention God has been affording me. It has been rough. Good thing I know of your (God) restoration gifts (1 Peter 5:10).

As time passes through my encounters, aspiring to please God has become a thing of fulfilment. I found myself literally having to learn to consider many unusual circumstances as joy. I don't understand how or why most of the time, but the scripture from James 1; 2-4 is making a lot of practical sense at this stage of my life. Spiritual growth is what I am grateful for, as I reflect. Far from perfect indeed I remain, but I sure can't deny how my perseverance has grown. As I wish for ease, warmth, and joy for all, I am in cognizance of the fact that it can only be achieved through intentional decision-making to not be consumed by what can cause distractions and steal joy. I found comfort and some understanding in the word in Philippians 4:11 to 13_ I’m not saying that because I need anything. I have learned to be content no matter what happens to me. I know what it’s like not to have what I need. I also know what it’s like to have more than I need. I have learned the secret of being content no matter what happens. I am content whether I am well fed or hungry. I am content whether I have more than enough or not enough. I can do everything by the power of Christ. He gives me strength.

I have been relooking my life encounters lately. Intentionally so, I am doing this so to embrace my ever-growing essence. Yes, I talk this positively of myself as of late. One of the most distinctive things about me I found is how I have had a privilege of making public mistakes, failing largely and not having people hide such from me. Now that I am older and wiser, using these exposed imperfections to shape my rawness when it comes to being open when I am not feeling something, or someone is saving me from a lot of harm. I know this also means I am not the nicest in the room for I have come to an understanding that I have nothing to lose or prove anymore. So, I will continue to struggle to be cheerful if I am surrounded by what and who has shown they do not get or intend to get my imperfect energy. My facial expressions are very telling in this case. I kind of have come to reason this by saying if come off as difficult, it is because I did not buy somebody’s story and that is okay. Lord knows if it is places and people I cannot avoid, I will be depressed looking and over all unimpressed. I used to hate this about me, and to conform, I would try to camouflage and end up just pleasing people so that they can think in no way am I that “boring/uptight/too much”. You can imagine how much people pleasing took away from my authenticity. It made me a fraud, unnecessarily so I must say. A few years ago, however, I kind of pivot to liking myself due to failure to pretend any longer. And so, I discovered that I really need self-acceptance.

It is that season where the heat, though rain pours, the sweating is not likely to go away without some kind of action to counter it. Summer for me, as much as I don't mind the sunshine and the warmth (considering how sensitive I am to cold temperatures) _my skin is very sensitive. It be the oil or breakouts or general skin irritation, I literally become a teenager, like I am in puberty all over again. It is pimples and very loud blemishes exposing the uneven tone. I speak so well about this because it is something I know about myself and grown to accept. This is my thing; I don't get shocked as much as I use to about this. On the real, as such it is also a time wherein, I become a project-like to a few who can't help themselves and see beyond my face or skin tone. I get suggestions for facial products randomly when a conversation is flowing. People still stare and I can literally see some rounding their eyes over that one big pimple which looks like it's about to pop. Must be hard to look past it with my beautiful eyes hey. If it was the days or years of silent struggle, I would show up already down(low self-esteem) to places, no say would I cut my hair because I would need it to put some extensions so that I can actually cover my cheeks. I would be lost in the world of being offended by any other comment, recommendation and looks of pity I would be getting. Considering this Self-Care journey, I'm on, I have come to some level of acceptance and personal accountability that the person who will offend me the most about my uneven toned face is me. I recall not so long; someone shared their story of their "silent struggle-- check this blog post" with me out of the blue while conversing on something totally different. I remember explicitly that day my left cheek looked like hot cooking oil splashed on me and my skin had no chance but to blister the face out of me. I went on my day with no makeup on, for it was even too sore to even touch. And so, I got that recommendation of a product that worked for them that I could try. How typical, expected and underwhelming it was to an evolved me as far as accepting my physical appearance is concerned.

Well, this new Livhuwani didn't get resistant or pretend to be fine regardless. I listened very well to that person and said straight to them, this is just who I am or look whenever the temperatures get this high. I am not in my period or anything, this is the norm for me every other year. I also took on the details for the product suggested calmly, with that tone set for the environment that I may or may not try it but for real, this is who I am, and I gave come to an awareness about it that empowers me to show up imperfect but not less confident. I really believe, this was a significant change that I afforded myself, because I had this grace about it and compassion towards myself as they compared to my looks theirs and shared what they think I could be going through. I had to align this isolated experience so far for this summer of 2023 to communicate my theme for this year : Self-acceptance (the key to a serene love affair with self).

One of the things that crippled me is wanting what I can't have and not appreciating what I do have. As I tried not to be what life has shaped me to be (my character), I became who I was trying not to be. I am however, feeling a lot lighter now since I am literally choosing not to perfect my relations with others anymore. I put priority to having a good relationship with myself instead. Do you know how pathetic it is to prioritize being loved by someone more than you love yourself? At the same time, aiming for the things I find myself adapting to outwardly for the sake of accommodating external environments that are forever changing (personality) , I see now how it blinded me to think of myself as a matter of circumstance. This meaning like I did not belong even I was embraced. I am realizing how life truly is not about performance nor perfection. There is just more need to embrace life as is. It is not about having this need to prove you can parent better or do better for example. It is not about controlling things as much as possible thinking it can save you from your own toxic behavior. It is more like you can be better. It should not be so much about others if not God first. It should not be from an empty cup either. There should be a thirst of knowledge to not die from the lack of embracing your own being. Not knowing God, not knowing who you are, can lead you to death. In simple terms, not accepting the things you can’t change about yourself and giving your room to grow where possible is slow death of self. Living your life authentically, I am finding is more about developing through reflecting, acknowledging, comprehending, and transcending... It is about unlearning and learning. At times we learn without intent and epiphanies just flush in and you have grown to be different. I am refreshingly different now. Sometimes you really need to unlearn things because they are no longer adding value in your present. You may need to find ways to humour yourself as you make mistakes, kind of really to not elevate every little fault and flaw there is about your life to truly be joyful.

There truly is no need to be hard on yourself, all the time. There are things I have come to get about myself that I can't and shouldn't change. I am surely very honest with myself of my own toxicity. It being how I cry over silly things, the intense emotions I indulge when watching drama on TV intentionally sometimes- AS I PERSONALIZE SCENES to feel some emotional connection. I do not really like to jump on nice things on the go even though I see they are nice and popping (trying too hard to act unbothered). I am not crazy about outdoor things also, certain sports either. I am very content with a shaved head though I am a Christian woman who is married (it is a not so acceptable hairstyle at church I have realized). I have also heard comments like I am trying to be like a man by this choice of hairstyle. To be honest, I really just look good with short hair, and i am challenged in terms of hair growth at the back of my head. It just makes sense to take advantage of this good and inexpensive hairstyle as well as the fact that it is simple. This wife I am is not so invested on being a good daughter in-law much because she kind of feel like it comes with just being someone they don't like (I mean, I am not good at following cultural stuff as far as duties and expectations are concerned- they are very oppressive most times), but I really beat myself up for it as if I am competing for a title which I already have. How I say too much WHEN NOT REQUIRED TO and not always mind how embarrassed my elders maybe because I deem my talk truthful. I swear if I am comfortable a lot of people in my life would find real reasons to despise me because I am not good at lying about situations for the sake of "whatever". I genuinely don't sieve well when around people I have not grown to respect. How about my tiny body that gets me disrespected a lot because I appear not my age? This expressive trait of mine, is it not helping me somewhere somehow? All this things may just need Acceptance (through Self-awareness) after all.

I am obviously very emotional. I feel too deep and am overly critical. I sure do share too much but at the same time can be very reserved(I think this happens when I am around people who seem "perfect"). Oh, the pressure! I am very artistic, and my confidence is very sharp when I'm comfortable and not feeling like I need to prove myself to others. I am a spiritual being and so I tend to be very intuitive on vibes/energies when it comes to my relationships. I am also very stubborn and can take too long to accept change. As a result, I carry with some dangerous anger management challenges, who doesn't? I am also perhaps too kind but can at the same time come across as rude. I can be very hard to approach because once I set my mind that I do not want to entertain certain things, I am definitely not going to even sit like I want to at least try. I simply don't have it in me lately to pretend as good as I use to. It is just an elaborate to my life's experiences. Pretending takes away from my authenticity. I am learning to be content to not being everyone's cup of tea. It used to tear me apart when I see and live with people and situations that I see don't get along with me and whatever I am about. I would either conform to fit the narrative or disrespectfully act up to express I am not happy. In caring for myself more, I am finding that there are truly things I have no business trying to correct or convince on. You won't succeed in trying to fight against nature. How is it easier said than done though? _Well, all I know, and feel is that I still Matter, regardless of all the good, the bad, highs and lows, the understandable, the nuisance I can be, confusing just as well.

What has stopped me from being truer or receiving of self in the past and perhaps even now? _ For me, some elements of what can serve as an honest answer is in failing to accept my emotions and physic. Just trying to pretend I am fine when I am not has been enough to get me one step closer to feeling unhappy with self. I mean, so what if I am not fine. I am not going to always be fine even if I have the JOB, MONEY, RECOGNITION, SUPPORT, KNOWLEDGE I may get. I swear the idea that things need to be and should be better when this and that is so and so, is taking away from so many beautiful things in many lives. Let me touch on things concerning experiences of my upbringing and the many choices I made. At times my choices were good and at times they were based on fear. Determination to not go through things that I think shouldn't have been or happen is a real thing that made me live to kind of correct things that needed no to fixing. An example would be like how as a parent I tend to try not to be like my parents as far as how I think they were imperfect. Of cause this is something I am growing to comprehend better as my kids humble me and also, I am not like them nor parenting in "their time". The comparison is not just, but the impact is undeniable. You can imagine how then this made me perceive life _ from a point of not accepting things I cannot change and even sabotaging things that are distinctively influenced by what shaped my character, surely there is inherited traits that I have no business trying to manipulate. That on its own is some form of failure to accept self. Honestly, raising me must have been a challenge! Being my life partner must take a lot of patience. Being gracious to me must be one of those things God notices I really take up too much of. I mean, I am a beauty and the beast kind of being. I am coming out as very funny lately as well. Perhaps it is because I am trying less to focus on impressing. I am so happy I am accounting to my own madness freely. This means I am truly not trying to be out here focusing on what I think others contributed to my turmoil. Another indicator of an "authentic homecoming to self".

Self-acceptance (theme for 2023)

I have been in a shedding season. Luckily, I tend to share raw Matters with many I'm close to as much as possible so that I never get to model an impression of perfection (I probably have written this before). This took many downfalls for an inevitable failure to maintain such Inauthentic Vibes really take away from meaningful interactions. In my blog I do my best as well to bring out a tone that struggles are there, defeats are normal, and I am in no way that put together. In the many experiences where I lose out on a healthy sense of self, I have come to consider a need to accept certain things /realities/weaknesses/strengths about myself, my life, others and in actuality _life itself. Self-Care Investments really makes evident of what an authentic life should feel and be like. Authenticity is a responsibility to everyone for themselves before anybody else. If it inspires or influences changes of such nature around you as you live more truer to self, then Hallelujah! It is not for everyone all at once_ just as you are not for everyone. We can go through the same things but get from them different perspectives. We can experience different things but have the same life lessons intended. As we know, there is time for everything under the sun and we are to each in their own season. The best thing character building matters communicated to me to the core as my focus last year, is a need to accept certain things about my being, about life. And then, I can love myself in truth. I can be more of myself. I can accept myself.

I realize I sacrifice myself a lot for others and things thinking it is "the right thing expected of me" _ but then what is left of me, for me? I also guilt myself up a lot on things that absolutely make no practical sense even in fiction. So, I hardly ever really feel I am or have done enough. This is weaknesses that make it hard to accept me as I am.

I serve others more and cage in exhaustion and disappointment when it’s not reciprocated. I simply struggle to say NO thinking it would mean I don’t deserve to be embraced since I would have “let “someone down. If I say No I am going to seek assurance from outside that it's okay. Such an unhealthy feeling I am starting to detest. People do not care as much as I thought. Inside I will die of either shame or guilt, stupidly thinking I matter that much to others. This is just a few things that take away from Self-Care. It means self-love is lacking. Not resting until the body crumbles is self-abuse. Not knowing when to say no is allowing exploitation. It is often confused with being kind by many, me included. I realized this with the anger and resentment that inherently builds up because most of the things we self-sacrifice on to a point of unhealthy behaviors are because our conscious self is trying to communicate to us we are working against our own self and it's all unnecessary. My FOCUS for this year is all about such things. I am easing up to a warmer sense of self through accepting things that I cannot avoid, control, or afford. My hope is that I can encourage joy within transcending to an authenticity that reigns AS I FEED MY FOCUS.

In my mind it is coming to my writing like: Livhu, learn to say NO! _ You no longer must live a life of trying to prove your worth! _ Yes, they do not think you are good enough for him and choose to act like not involving you is for your own good, but You are truly enough for sure to God! There is no way you will hold up a nice conversation that is informative when it comes to general knowledge, but we all know you will be the one to remind the room to pray about things and let God lead. I recognize the need of Self-love (self-compassion) embedded in growing self-acceptance in both my strengths and weaknesses. It needs nobody else but me to really understand the power of self-preservation(agility). In the cycle of fighting against the things I can't control or change, I lose out the courage to cease as many life-changing opportunities the best of my abilities can afford (#SerenityPrayer). If you channel yourself, taking it upon self(self-implore) to gain as much knowledge and understanding of self in what challenges you, chances are that self-will(discipline), and self-worth(actualization) will come to a noticeable harvest. This can reap greater Self-awareness (knowledge of self). Chances are your character shapes up to a more Strengthened Inner Being. All this I truly believe needs self-acceptance to take center stage.

😇To know yourself is Self-Care. Best news of all-it is all a process, a journey YOU embark on at your own pace. It is about opening yourself up to learn. It is about humbling encounters. As my lifestyle of living in awareness that I Matter continues with the little I share, may you pick up something that convinces the truth that 💜You Matter! - too.

🔔Enclosed words⬆️

🌞For more, check out my blog: You Matter! _ it builds on Self-awareness! (Self-Care Investments)

Regards

Livhuwasha

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#serenityprayer