Starting to get myself, at 35!

Self-discovery...

I am now sitting at a basement parking space and I am imagining how calm places like these actually are. Is me and a whole lot of cars, immobile for now. Deafening silence of cause. I am supposedly about to be examined on something I am not quite sure is worth while given the changes promising to be ahead at my workplace. The loudest thing is my thoughts on how far I’ve come. From an unwarranted break from my own choice of studies to consuming what is meant for me (out of my control) so that certain life's alignments can be fulfilled. Yeah, we do plan but it is in God’s establishment of such plans wherein we are humbled. As an adult, getting this is starting to relieve me from a need to control, be ahead, clued up and always on some high. It will be 35 years long by the time I post this. Yes, my birthday is here. Some three years of blogging and many more years of journaling it has been . You can tell with the picture attached to this blog. Yes, those are my journals from a very tender age. I thank my mom for keeping them even after I got married. I am grateful and humbled by the very telling emotions I use to feel and articulate in writing so well. I am glad I found blogging at 32. I sure needed to get back to my roots. Now get this about myself, I’ve always found solace in writing.

For the first time, I outlined a few things I actually want to share. It is some sort of a planned out script I suppose. I am taking it as a sign that I no longer rush into blustering my thoughts and feelings out and say its my exercise of the right to express. I bet I am being more careful, intentional and discerning about what I want out. It is a sign of growth now that I write it out. I am accounting. Our emotions are not for everyone’s consumption. Consequently, they need to be respectfully channeled to one’s level of maturity. This takes a whole lot of awareness and acceptance to parties involved. I do sense I am at a better space in this regard. Now that I truly get that the responsibility is on me, to discern when I am misleading myself due to emotions and when I need them in order to reap humbleness from an inevitable vulnerability, of which any one of us has.

One of the reasons why respecting people’s wishes, views, choices, and all that which makes them who they are, is because if you get close enough, you get to understand their reasons why. What I realized is that, pretty much of everything that people do to others, directly and indirectly is informed by something. Most times that “something “ prompted them to independently deem it just. Trust me, even if they wronged you, they can justify it if they want to and you would need to accept, forgive or take any other action that you yourself would then feel is best for you. That makes them who you experienced them to be, in that moment and at times a long afforded perception of their character. What I am doing this year is giving myself that room as well. To be honest with myself and at peace with what makes me who I am. I do comprehend that this means also embracing the not so bright sides of me. Oh I do have many of those! I am guilty of always focusing on those most of my life actually, hence my mental health struggles and not so successful relationships. But the one thing about all this candidness as far as I’m concerned is that now I am starting to succeed at getting myself. I am also confident to "live" this understanding of self “out “ now.

Much like Self-Care matters, you need to be accountable for how you contribute to the well-being of environments around you. I have so much to share as evidence that indeed Self-Care compliments better representation of self. For one, I found myself agreeing and seeing value in being hospitalized recently, as a means to allow myself to rest. This meant bowing to the deterioration of most parts of my being, that meant I was not good for those around me and most importantly, who I aspire to be. An environment with people admitting to their struggles was much more healthier than of those who seem to be all good. The power of relating I deem. To have professionals take care of me and consequently be in a better space( as a whole) was the best choice for me for a long time, if not my whole adult life. It was one of those decisions that circumstances actually got me to conclude everything else I’ve done has not fully taken effect. Like Lord I tried but I am also tired! You know, when you are a giver, whether in healthy or unhealthy mannerisms _ you also take away from yourself somehow. It maybe time for self or just energy to focus on you. The truth is you should be able to turn in such givings also to what fills you up. It is all well when you serve. It actually opens you up to have room to receive. But what happens when you neglect yourself as you give, and when is time to receive you have no energy, vacancy or recollection to accept? What happens when you don’t necessarily believe you matter enough to be pampered? When you are oblivious to the state of your health and even blessings that need your presence. You may terribly start to feel at a loss, depleted, unaware and sometimes disconnected. At this point(to give a light on how it went on for me), You may be simply struggling to accept compliments from others because you have no appreciation of self. Rejecting gifts literally because you are so used to giving instead, that you forget a "thank you" is not a sign mockery. You might even become ungrateful _ low key dismiss your worth. All this happens and builds up over time. It sneaks up on you on stuff that you deem very nice when done for others. It sounds like you complaining that money was used to buy you flowers when it could have bought food. How about failing to say no even though you are unable to show up for your "yes" ? What happens when you miss the genuine check ups from friends because you don’t get communications from the people you desperately want to see you and acknowledge your existence? Detachments so lethal, Solitude for you isn’t really Solitude at times_ it would actually be isolation that is leaving you feeling like you do not matter, hence you never MAKE TIME to do the things you really want to. Well, at 35 I must say, I have been at peace with taking a step back at showing up for others religiously if it means I will not be at peace. The more I communicate I won’t make it because I am exhausted and need rest, the more the universe actually make it possible that I avail myself well rested when I could. I also need to stop giving certain people too many chances if I know and they've shown me I am not a priority. This one will be tough for me, for it involves mostly people I care about. At this age, I am also putting RSVP'ing as soon as I get the an invite to events, even when I am sure I would not want to miss what the invitation is for. At this point, I think I am just trying to not be too presumptuous of my availability and accessibility. I play better with my kids since I allowed someone else to assist me with chores. I even enjoy an hour or so of a podcast without disturbance because I made it clear I want to listen to something uninterrupted. Yes, I find moments as I listen and be laughing out loud, or be caught in my feelings. It is such an inexpensive therapy. The silly in me needs to exist, as well as the emotional me. I say this now without fear, for I now know better than to be emotionally bullied for being all that which makes me imperfect. I hope the honest in you as you read felt safe to relate. I get that for some it might be a bit too much!

At this age, I love how with God, I don’t have to be hopelessly trying to fit in to what is of worldly expectations. I love how my helplessness is turned into hopefulness. I find so much comfort in knowing that I do not need to be in control of people’s opinions of me now. And I am not saying I don’t get weak and start wondering what him or her is thinking of me. However, the more I live in this spiritual mindset of being concerned about what God says about me, the more I found it that any other vibration meant to make me feel less of a being, is rather derived from a level of forgetting who I am not. I am not a slave of conformity, not of this world. When I break owing to rejection, I am actually breaking from undervaluing myself. I have this thing now, wherein I can literally smile at someone’s derogatory towards me or something that concerns me. I really didn’t see it coming, me, the queen of being offended? Laughing at how I not the one/preferred /respected? Well, it is happening in the most unlikely places. I recall not so long ago, someone was making subtle remarks that are body shaming to my daughter, literally calling her a thing and how they will never attempt to hold her since she cried none stop the last time(hetshi tshithu tshia lila! ; vhoto rali!). And I remember smiling telling her she should be careful not to take how kids react to her that seriously. She talked like my daughter wasn’t there and I’m not holding her. Anyways, it is things like this where I find myself intune with some patterns of patience with others that I'm developing. Let's thank therapy for this. I have also come to a literal move or a look away when I see things happening around me are not going to be good for my thought processing afterwards. I don’t fake vibes with bodies I know don’t ignite greatness in me. When I see them approaching , as they land – in those selective greetings in a crowd that make it clear we are not about to pretend we like each other, damn straight I will peacefully and calmly make space. Not always possible but if I see an exit, I am out. The power of excusing myself I call it.

At 35 I have come to accept that with my knowledge of self, anyone around me struggling to make sense of themselves automatically finds me too forward, too harsh, too fast, too much…I also felt like this about certain people before now. This tells me that indeed there is a lot of inauthentic vibes going around in the world that sadly, it has become acceptable. I often feel singled out, but somehow life has taught me it is actually a good thing. At this age, you don’t want to harbor feelings of wanting to be liked. The danger of seeking approval from others literally left me with a lot of scars. I doubt it will ever be worth my time as much as it use to be.

Past Thursday I got exposed to a lot of professionals. I found myself having breakfast on my own instead, listening to Metro FM after putting in some eleven minutes of a Spot running session. Inspired by a cousin of mine(#Spotrun _Kenneth T Ramaano in the socials) , I kept facing walls and pushed till I reach my goal(which was a kilometer in 10 minutes). It was one of the toughest thing I’ve ever tried as far as my physical activities are concerned. See, I am comfortable doing Yoga with Adriene (check her out). The feeling I had after my spot running was boss. I felt like nothing can stop me, I didn’t need more than what I had, where I am, to be what I aspire to be. Then, I most definitely enjoyed the shower, and I do not enjoy showers. I am a bath tub person, hot one for that manner, deliberate one as I plan to fall asleep while soaked in. Yes, an alarm set, door locked and window wide open. The idea of it all is to escape and breathe in and out the warm humidity. I am also very humorous with myself when I’m having long baths. I always put on a good show (movie, Playlist or series), to sneak in a good laugh. It is a vibe. So, I was surprised that I enjoyed the shower. Maybe the pressure of the water was just right, maybe I am not so rigid anymore and have developed a tendency of making things work for me. I swear even my choice of content I find fun on Tiktok is not what I would have enjoyed in the past. I truly like the person I have worked on to be.

At the same time, what I am thoroughly impressed with is how I am not beating myself up for my oddness. You see, I am that one person not drinking alcohol in a crowd. I am that person who is very determined but yet easily mistaken for a clown. I shared with someone recently that, I have realized how people treat you is basically a telling noise of how serious they take or not take you. And I expressed that with my criticality, I have learned to just deem this about me as a way to discover my managing tactic of distancing myself when I feel that the room is too relaxed while I am unbelievably thinking hard and seriously so. I use to feel bad about this until I realized I may just be different in that way and that is okay. Since I made a choice to work on Self-acceptance, I am finding it easier to really peacefully distance myself from environments that leave me out on the thinking zone. It helps me not beat myself up, from being subjective and difficult towards others as well. I am also learning to respect myself Self-Care journey. Not everyone is in understanding of this. It is not always about them not understanding, however, it is at times solely dependent on where they are in life. There are people who don’t see any need to do things by themselves, for themselves. Some definitely, haven’t experienced life as I did. They have not had to make sense of childhood trauma, fortunately. They also already have healthy relationships with themselves and perhaps, with others. Some just think it is all about being selfish, and so they are not trying to disappoint the expected. I get this about humans now.

I am becoming okay with things that are of similar sentiments. It actually relieves me from this unfounded responsibility to explain, to convince, etc. I am now expressing all this when I meet a crowd that it is okay. I share my views and open the room up to individually decide themselves. Let them relate or not. Really, the old me was fighting against her authentic self in so many ways. I get that now and I am glad I opened myself up for what humbled me enough to focus on self-development.

• One thing for sure is that I am now okay with not being, if my being isn’t going to be challenged and channeled for the better. I get how it is okay to not be impressed with myself when I don’t make myself proud. Content with not always making sense when around others. I get that what is uncomfortable sometimes can be just what I need to discover strengths I may assume I don’t have. I get that being Underestimated is a good place to be, for you would manage internal pressure with some sense of stability. I get that the world owes me nothing. The mentality of being a victim of whatever childhood trauma I went through is not a pass to be an adult delinquent. I get that disrespect is disrespect, no matter how Deserving a situation or someone may be. I get this Livhuwani, that she is starting to enjoy life even when things aren’t that well with her soul. I appreciate how she even let loose at times with her grapetizer or orange juice, dancing her tiny body out, smiling the light on her and losing her voice over some wacky screams. It is okay! She is okay! She is 35.

I am Grateful for your time in my blog, three years in now. I am grateful for what you may have found relatable or to be confusing. Even if there is some off sides to some content, It is okay. It will always be a matter of growth in being self-aware to what both you and I subscribe to or not. It Matters, You Matter!

Regards

Livhuwasha