The Growth in Unlearning...

I have been having a heavy year to be honest. It will sound a bit confusing because the heaviness is due to having to face a new identity I have had to embody as I have experienced a lot of loss. So, the heaviness is coming from losing parts of me that I thought were the most real. I once wrote that the thing about life's eventualities is that at times, they force you to introspect. During such a process, you at times realise that you have changed. It takes things like a self-assessment or just going through your wardrobe because your clothes seem to not fit anymore, for example. Things like this get you to sit down sometimes and wonder when all this and that came to be, and whether it happened for real!

Focusing on things that build me up this year, my mental stability has been tipsy. I went through things while pregnant which I had to kind of not really face or deal with just so that I can focus on a healthy journey till giving birth. Postpartum depression to me was like another child I knew I would be giving birth to. I already was managing my depressive state before falling pregnant. I was coming to terms with unlearning unhealthy habits such as overthinking, overextending, people pleasing, high functioning as a distraction from dealing with my problems and challenges. Bringing up the past in everything I do was starting to lose its power. What was helping me was prioritizing spiritual growth, therapy, yoga, blogging, over-all self-development matters. I even felt confident about my pregnancy for it was as if it was meant to be testament to my improvement in handling the past and its influence, the pressure and change as such. Evidence that I am in the new era of being. Well, I quickly learned yet again that with new blessings, comes with more challenges that are demanding.

As it was, in facing new challenges, I was very aware of my weaknesses in handling them with dignity. This was based on my old self. Therapy skilled me in this awareness. As a result, for the first time, I knew to fight my battles in a way would be a set-up to proud of myself when they have passed. I choose who I wanted to know my struggles, I choose to rest as much as possible, I put off vulgar words to express my anger, frustration, and disappointment. I must say, it was not easy, and I felt like I finally had valuable reasons to go wild and tear things apart. Like it would all be justified if I lose it. To my arduous work of self-care paying off, I made better choices. I was sad, angry, disappointed, and shattered. At the same time, I was refusing to be controlled by all those feelings. I think I managed to convince myself that I am mature enough to handle it. I had come to a point of realizing that what I thought was my life was not so, and it felt like the truth was setting me free. Free to be a better person and, a better mother. I loved how I did not have to pretend that I was fine to those who were aware of my challenges/struggles and reality. I love that I was not sugar coating the pain I was feeling to myself as well. I didn’t act tough. I did not go AWOL so that I can fix a posture that people would meet me up after birth and be like, “now I get why you were so quiet.” I did prioritize rest but not stop living. I did have many negative and confusing thoughts, but I communicated to myself just as well many positive and hopeful ones.

During pregnancy, things are rubbed off and referenced to hormonal activeness. I won’t claim this did not happen to me. However, I was at that time feeling like I was at the soundest state of mind. I remember I would refuse to tell people I trusted that I am fine because I wasn’t. I would contact some and ask to vent. At this point I feel like I was learning to be honest about my deepest realities in mind and soul. As a result, I found genuine support. There is nothing as harmful to a person who is battling with depression than untruthfulness around them. The sense of instability in your mind becomes induced when dishonesty is paraded. Such a thing convinces one that indeed there is no light at the end of the tunnel and therefore the darkness is forever going to be ones home.

As a mother I was learning the lesson of understanding how I am not going to be able to be of a good influence to my kids all the time, especially when I am unwell. Sometimes as parents we feel guilty to admit we are not in the right space to be exposed to our kids. I believe it almost is a taboo. To grow to be a much better role model to my kids, I had to unlearn being everything and anything to them even when I am physically and emotionally unable to. I unlearned the need to self-neglect. As a wife I was learning brutal lessons that start from realizing I am not irreplaceable and not as special as I thought I was. Yes, love can blind you to think like that, and I learned it is an impractical conviction I taught myself. As a friend I was unlearning the need to be there whenever needed. This was a journey of learning to fill up my own cup first before I can pour to others. I also had to really take seriously the need to be my own best friend. I use to be very fearful of doing things on my own because I feared being regarded as selfish. I believe my You Matter! journey has been about learning that it is okay to put myself first because I am worth the attention. I did see the value in self-care helping me cope. It was hard at the same time for I was learning to live with a possibility of losing my family any time, any day. I was on leave from work, so being career focused was not available to run to. I was not able to continue studying just because I was not strong enough to focus. All this made me unlearn high-functioning tendencies to cover up my depression. It was clear that God had chosen that season to be one of reaping what I sow in my self-care investments. I got to see what was working and what was not. Too much of caring for myself was based on drowning in my pain, clinging to what is was birthing. All this beautiful lessons were hard and still need a lot of revision.

There has been a lot of expectation exerted on me by circumstance to come to terms with all these things as the year continued to now. It has been such a void and bits that were fulfilling. I feel exhausted, my pregnancy weight is totally gone, and I am just facing unwanted anniversaries of things that happened which were brutal. Death of believes, death of loved ones and as well as a cease of some self-developmental commitments. While I can channel my spirituality/religion and faith to trusting that God’s plans for me are of hope and prosperity, I can’t pretend I am not grieving whatever life I thought I had before certain events in the past 12 months or just life that has passed. I cannot pretend that being a mother of three has presented new demands and challenges that are showing me flames. I cannot minimize a sense of feeling off track as the gap year from study continues. I cannot avoid how I have had to rethink and manage my hobbies/activities because I am also just physically exhausted and creative juices are low. I had to unlearn a need to be busy to feel like I have a purpose. I found that there is growth in choosing rest as well. I unlearned a need to keep up with people I am interested in, it be my family or friends. At times it is rather just more important to make people aware that you care, and that you will do your best to support them. It does not mean you must drown them with constant presence. Such a thing, if not balanced, can just be your need to control them or a fear to miss out. It is important to unlearn habits of being in control of everything and everyone, whether they are important things and people to you.

As an advocate of self-care, it is not wise to overindulge on other people’s individuality to try and remain relevant to them. I am finding value in letting people decide or choose to consider me significant to their lives how they wish. As you try by all means to keep up with others, you lose out on self-interest (Elaboration) , sometimes. I lost beliefs that I thought I mattered as far as certain existing relationships with others are concerned. I lost time I thought I had with loved ones who passed away. I realized how hard it is to live sure that you are not a priority to people you value in your life. When you are sure, you are at peace but that takes courage to accept for you can't change it. I had to unlearn being too trusting and naïve in thinking what I do for others, they will do for me. All this is easier said than done. Once you are having no choice but to live with it, you realize that indeed life is a teacher.

In all these lessons embedded in unlearning things, I am finding that I have even felt confused over my identity. This year had me up all night asking myself who I am now that I have had to experience this and that. One day I even pulled out my old identity document. In defining the gains, I had to reference the costs as well. Who am I now due to who I realized I needed not to be any longer. Some things have become of pleasure, as unusual as they are. And so, as I live bold in being present and facing life as it comes, I am finding that I am no longer the same person I was yesterday. Whether I wish certain things did change or not. There are things I am proud of and just as well hard realities that have come to be, that I cannot avoid. I enjoy some parts of what is new, but I am mourning a lot as well. One day at a time, Lemons to lemonade. I get to deal with a lot of squeezing at times. Other days I am weak and to rest is not even by choice. It is likely that I am really growing to be more real since I am refusing to claim all is well. What I know is that all is work and God will do His part for my soul to grow content with it all.

I am hard at work, with self-compassion and honesty to what was, is and to be. I will always count on my faith and trust in time as a healer. There is now an awareness in me that I will forever appreciate, that being _ all this is because I made a choice to live my life knowing that I too Matter. I shall continue investing in myself. Character building matters have been very raw, intense, and humbling for sure as I try to better manage and live my life. If you are doing your best to live a better life through self-care, do it with an awareness of the fact that you too matter.

To grow, you must be willing to unlearn habits that keep proving that you are your own worst enemy. It can be denial of loss, failure to take forgiveness seriously because of pride, not accepting things you can’t change or control, or not valuing time and how changes are inevitable. I have been taking it as hard as it sounds, feels, and appears. It is the only way to truly value growth from inside out, where it really matters.

Regards

Livhuwani