The Power of Empty : Room for a Fill Up

Hi

A while it has been. Hope you managed to build yourself up in a positive manner in your lives. Something really life changing happened to me. I found myself naked, shamed and from a place of empty. What has been a shock however in my ineptitude is that I kept being reminded about valuing the journey I started a while back of investing in myself. For some reason, in my Rest, as chosen in November, everything that mattered shifted and I had absolutely no control of anything except my indifference and individuality. We do so much in our lives thinking it is what is best and God literally confirms at times that your best is in losing, in hurting, in being broken. What is best sometimes involves the things we fear most.

In my Rest, as I was no longer making room to ignore my demons, their presence really engulfed me. In my faith of being true and having a sense of self, the demons started being comfortable in me and around me, and by this I mean they had a party. While this was hard and still is, the empty spaces they have left me, I feel they no longer occupy now because I didn't put up a fight against them but allowed what needed to be done to me happen. This left a vacancy in my heart, a powerful one because I'm no longer trying to control things. My heart received more than I thought I needed. From unforseen closures to a point of epiphanies. I had to lose some things to have room for what I feel I now need, a life where grace is abundant, for real and not for show.

Once again I have had the fortune of being dealt with inside out. This means everything that may have served as a distraction was stripped out, it be my job or perhaps friendships that help me feel connected. Last month, God made sure nothing or anyone could really save me. I literally had that final straw at finding myself shook enough to fall and embrace the fall even to this day. And, even when those who can were picking me up and still are(I'm Grateful), when I go to try and sleep through the night, I realize it’s all new territories and I have to live in them. To this day I can feel that the good work being done is going to be completed by God, and Him alone. It feels and is presenting itself with a comfort I can’t explain though the agony is exceptional. The cries are uncaring of who is watching, this is my vulnerability clothing me so sadly but yet so authentic. Even when I try to convince others I'm getting there, it feels like I’m wasting my time because it is not about them. Every effort I am making to explain, to express where I am, it is not hitting the mark and I slowly am living a life of not wanting to be right but just needing to do right. I wonder if this post will make sense to most readers unless they have been where I am now or are in a similar phase/season.

I am not sure about a lot of things and even people right now, but I’m very sure of who is with me. The Lord is with me. I feel it in how I’m breaking down every now and then, praying like my heart is out of my chest. I am feeling it in finding courage to look for comfort in His promises. In holding the Bible so tight like I’m cradling a baby. It is me recording myself talking about what I’m getting from the Bible with a choking voice, losing it because it feels like that is the only thing I’m sure of and the pain I’m feeling cannot win over the exposed weakness in my tone. I have made so many people worry about this, and at times even avoided sharing, as comforting as sharing is to me. But through it all, if it is about faith I just went in for it though torn. I am living a truthful life that is not caring who gets to laugh at me or speculate anymore, I am not bothered by the pitty. I am not necessarily even feeling like the losses and void is my doom. It is rather just pure painful. I have concluded I need to apply my own counsel, respect the times at hand and the healing process. I have already accepted my defeat and that's okay. It feels somehow like my faith is growing. It is me seeing exactly what the words means when it reads He is a jealous God. When it says He will supply all my needs. That I will be renewed and be like an eagle. In my empty, I’m having plenty of a fill up. One day I’m hopeful, in His time, I will overflow.

This post is essential at this time because firstly the Lord is good all times. It will surely speak mostly to those in a spiritual journey that they may have longed for or found themselves in without even intending to. I am grateful for my family, who at most are present just in the right way, enough to keep me sure of my blessings and always respectful enough to not control how I find myself to a better place. Perhaps I am already in a better place, that of still waters because I am fortunate enough to experience the Lord’s attention through the waves that had their way with me. I am aware I’m carrying my cross. I am grateful to a group of sisters I met this year and some old relations, whose company from a distance has gracefully made me feel certain that sisterhood in Christ is golden, as we are mothers and wives, who go through way too many changes but not fully appreciated for even attempting to cope.

To my kids, who have crowned my existence with love and compassion, I don’t know what could be enough to show or explain my gratitude. You have given Mommy more hugs in a space of a month than the time I spent with you in my fragile womb. You have asked how I am more than I cared to even find courage to admit if I’m fine or not. You took initiatives that some grown ups cannot even think of. You have protected my fragility, been instrumental in making me discover truths I did not even know I could be exposed to. You have been fully present in my now, so much that I wonder if you are the adults and I’m the child. I hope our talks, our interactions planted seeds that are more than just maternal feels in your lives. I hope and pray God bless the helpful, aware, observant and gentle souls you have been and are. I hope you will live long to read this post someday and I will be telling you how hard it was of a time but you guys basically made it look like I was the bravest and most capable mother ever. I love how you refused for me to give up, kept saying I'm not alone. No child needs to be reassuring an adult of that, but it's surely what you did when I needed it most. Rolivhuwa my daughter, you kept insisting I know that I am the best. Phathutshedzo my Son, you held your ground for mommy so much. It is only now seven years of being a mother, that you made me realize how much of a good one I am. I use to struggle with this truth. But you effortlessly got me to see the light, that it takes a good mother to admit when she’s not in a right space to handle something. You helped me realize that it helps not to insist I can do certain things when I can’t, on my own. I spent a lot of time wanting to prove my value as a mother, but you have shaped me to be no longer anxious about the matter but rather prayerful of the confidence God has in me as He blessed me with you. Now it is written in the wall, I'm grateful I no longer am looking for other people to help me read between the lines or blessings. God has blessed us my kids.

To anyone feeling empty, torn, broken, shattered, small and just unbelievably ridiculed, you are surely loved By God enough to be in that position, because He felt the need to perfect His love in you, selfishly so. That is your glory, His undivided attention. Your soul is that significant to Him. He is molding you to a fine arc for many who will need revival and shelter soon. He is letting you be reborn so that when you think of what is old, the new will be enough every single time to keep you humble, and therefore your lift-up will be undeniable. I know your crying is by now becoming annoying even to yourself. I know it looks hopeless, that situation of yours. I know today you feel strong but tomorrow to go to the rest room is like climbing a mountain. The altitude seems way to fatal for your energy, your breathing, your capacity and even support system. But guess what, you are still having sight, hearing, a beating heart and even some favor to even find yourself accessing my blog. This was not a mistake, it was not undeserved either, but you are not a mistake, you are someone who matters and deserve as many changes as possible if they will make a better person. That is why as hard as it now, you keep being given day after day. Make that choice over and over to take a step to the rest room, to the curtains and open them, to pray, to just do one thing at a time that was harder the day before, even if it is just breathing. Or listening to a random voice saying what it is saying and be reminded that there are lives and a life around and in you. I never knew how much the words “You Matter! “ will mean to my life, my soul, until the last two weeks of October this 2021, when my life became upside down. Having spent over a year investing in myself, unplugged me in entanglements that were self-inflicted and some just misfortunes. It has helped me know when I’m being unfairly treated and when I needed to change. I have only just learned how to say I’m Sorry and mean it and be fine with the lessons learned even when my apology is rejected. I have seen the power of not being right. Being right made me conceited. I have now discovered the value of just taking things as they are no matter how ugly, so that what is beautiful can truly exist and be appreciated. And this is only the beginning. You too can learn and embrace the lessons you so need in your empty. There is power in Solitude.

Take good care of yourself and your faith. Even Jesus Christ was persecuted in the cross openly, do not feel like it is unfair anymore or the shame is too much for you to even show your face. Use the exploitation and explosiveness of your yoke to call out to God openly and freely to take over, because you are surrendering. Let Go and Let God. He is leading you to greener pastures nobody will take credit for watering. You will be glad one day you had just you, your faith and His grace to conquer. Remember, you are not given the spirit of fear or timidness in any circumstance, but of Power, Love and Sound-mind. You are Loved by God. You Matter to Him. Let this be your stance…

Armor yourself with the word of God now more than ever in your empty, the power in that is that of acquiring His Peace, His Wisdom. It is for a guarded mind and heart. And this matters!

Regards

Livhuwani