The Silent Struggles!

Growing up in my rural hood, there was a river called Mutshundudi. At times we had to go there to wash clothes. And at times, a not so long path pass the river lead to where clay to elevate home surroundings (uhulunga) lay. There are times when we went there to swim. Yes, it was dangerous, unhealthy and most of us use to sneak out and be in trouble when we get home, however, it was fun. There by the river, of cause, we also went for water. Occasionally, cisterns/fountains would emerge and it was a real delicate task to harvest water from those. This brings me to the gist of this piece. If you have had to get water or access water for consumption in this fashion, then you can understand how heart-breaking it would be if you spill a few drops, never mind the whole bucket/bottle. In the lines of experience being the best teacher, this piece will require that kind understanding.

There are silent struggles that are only understood by those who have been through them and it is somewhat taken as “reaching” should one be vocal about it; like what I am about to do right now. In my world, there is this subtle, self-image struggle of not being thick enough. Yes, I said it. The struggle of being described as underweight. It is really not much of a big deal really until you are asked why you don’t get fat or when will you be fat. Literally,” Ani khwatha ngani?” “Naa nido khwatha lini?”. Who said i shouldn't be the way I am?

When words said, that wound the inside and leave scars! The power of the tongue.

I can only speak for myself really, but I know a few people who also had to be self-conscious about being “thin”, and I am not talking about being "thin" because of health problems. I mean being tiny and not stout, naturally so. This is some sort of a tool for others to practice their abusive behavior, verbally, towards others. Surely, for most, there are physical attributes that are distinctive and obviously there to stay. Unless you have some time and incentives to attempt changing them medically, may it be well with you. People are so casual about this kind of things. Having opinions over other people’s physic I mean. It usually gets brushed off by the receiver, as it happens but, when there is nobody around, it will be you and your mind contemplating, sizing and resizing, wondering and self-judging, “Am I really that bad?”. You will be asking yourself what is wrong with the way you are and it usually takes a while to snap out of it. Time wasted and never regained.

When I had my first child, breastfeeding truly took a serious jab on my weight. I am telling you that, I even felt like I grew tall judging from how the pregnancy weight disappeared. The younger generation where so cool with it as far as I am concerned. Other women just typically compared themselves with me, as we interact and share experiences. You know us women talk. Scary part, some do not get being of my body size, it is somehow associated with having troubles (Mathada), health problems and the looming of death. I know realistically, this can be the reason. However, if you know me, when have I really been stout? When I was pregnant? Does that count really?

There are so many funny and alarming misconceptions around this. I am the type some found funny when I jogged back in the days. It was truly misunderstood. Why in the world would I be running since I am not fat I would be questioned. Are you getting where I am going with this? I hope so. Sensitive matter this is. The subtle gestures that are so unnecessary, of being compared to some other person in the family concerning your physical make-up is so hurtful. This is truly so defeating when it is done by people in your circle, especially the ones you cannot throw a grown-up tantrum (fit) at, like the elderly. There is also this assumption that may be you are starving yourself to look like girls on TV. Honestly, I have had problems, and I have felt like food is so not appetizing many days. In all those days, it never occurred to my mind that I am doing it so that I get thinner and look like a model. I am way too short to model I believe.

I have not been chubby to a point that I felt like I am supposed to diet. However, thanks to a whole lot of opinions thrown at me on my tininess especially since I became a “Woman”, I have deliberately ate too much hoping to gain weight, with no success. And in case you are wondering, I am not talking about eating more to gain healthy weight. I am talking about gaining weight that I think will be acceptable should I go to certain places and be around certain bodies. You must be thinking; this is so stupid or even crazy. It is a silent struggle. Struggles like the one of finding a bra that will hold up your breasts the right way. The one of wearing a figure belt. It is like the struggle of having no dark shaded toe nails that make you choose certain kind of shoes should you not have nail polish on. The struggle of not having full eyebrows, so you fill them up how you know they can be filled. The struggle of not growing a beard even. Sounds hectic and also a bit silly! Sometimes we need to just be open about this things, it really can be a bit much hey.

The light at the end of the tunnel for me for sure as far as my “being told I am underweight struggle”, started with identifying triggers. Whether it be people or things that get me feeling subconscious over my tininess, I have learned to keep a distance. I have also learned to kind of joke about it when I know I am going to be in those situations that will excite those triggers. For instance, if I am visiting a person who find this topic about my weight so revolutionary, I will surely break the ice by myself or use some platform like WhatsApp to hint that I am about to be stripped, take the power away from them. This truly ease my mind to say it or write it or post it. It might as well appear weak as it happens, however, I know it will let my spirit gear into a mode of gaining power over my anxiety since I wouldn’t be pretending I am a rock anymore should it happen. I also started doing Yoga. I flex with such ease, so empowering. Whenever anxiety about my tiny body flashes by, I flex. Amaze myself with what I can do with this tiny body of mine. A good friend of mine once shared that she does aerobics for her sanity. I can only imagine how many people needed to get that and stop assuming she does not need to invest in aerobics. I will never forget reading her post for it empowered me - friends worth keeping.

Sharing this is my way of showing that being vulnerable is normal and unavoidable at times. I am finding that, some struggles in life seem so miniature but in fact add to our progress as they build up stamina. Unfortunately, timid behavior as well as not being assertive can be highly influenced due to this kind of struggles. It matters that an active role be taken by oneself to acknowledge this and take steps to manage and hopefully succumb.

What is your silent struggle that may be seen as minor but yet affecting big parts of your life? I guess you know one of mine, it is being considered underweight in some places and be wrongly judged and bullied for it. See, if you have this kind of struggle, you are not alone. You are normal. Take it from me, the silent is loud enough. It is much healthier to be in an environment that embraces and challenges you without killing you softly. Therefore, mind where you spend most of your time, especially who you spend it with. It Matters, You Matter!

If you have a way to calm your anxiety on things like this, kindly share with me in the comment section. Perhaps someone struggling silent may discover a breakthrough.

Regards

Livhuwani