The Ultimate Confidant : through the bread of life!

The Ultimate Confidant is God I've found. This being through Jesus Christ interceding. Our daily bread, the word, is alive and active for this reason - to give us confidence, to walk and live by. I have found that my most intimate elements are indeed invaded by Him (Hebrews 4:12).

Image by Nathan Dumlao

There you are, and there I've been.

Whatever reach I extend, what valuable access you allow.

The subtle shift of focus you command, whenever I am at a loss.

Knowing that I can find you, even when I do not know I'm looking.

Oh, the very limited mind of mine, you always channel to a better comprehension.

The very fragile heart of mine, you always comfort for a better rest.

Indeed you are my better hope, the most intimate companion.

Indeed you are my ointment, to growing wounds of deep-cutting losses in life.

An edifying force, that silence the Noises in my mind and calls me out towards real growth.

The ultimate confidant, the one to trust without reservations.

I shall always tell you all about it, even if silently, it is so.

Oh, my soul shall ever be, only but in you!

IMAGE BY EVIE S.

My definition of God: God is not only the alpha, the omega, he is friend, he's a confidant, he is a buddy. He is a lover of my soul. That's my definition of God. - Devon Franklin

The need to repeat myself to be heard, noticed and valued is getting more and more illiberal. I am not sure if it is a spirit of contention or something to do with valuing the power of silence. It definitely has something to do with trust issues and an exhausted self. Talking about things can be exhausting, especially if it brings about no change. It would seem I am no longer that good at forcing relations. That there is a lot of loud encounters with silence responses. It is unfortunate, if provoked harshly I snap to the maximum. A very dangerous place I've noted for both myself and the receiving end. I am one who has identified and settled in safe spaces that do not incite my weaknesses dangerously and at a damage like that though. I can say, it is rather one of both a self-care regime and as well, a very different way of life from what I have been accustomed to. I can be very defensive when I sense and feel attacked. I have been spending too much time in spaces I endure a lot of emotional abuse in the past five months. This means I have been keeping a lot to myself and at the same time rehearsing a lot of encounters that are troubling my soul. A lot of feelings that need to be resolved indeed. Trouble is, feelings can be wrong and senses can purely be induced by trauma and not reality. What then has been a healthier response for me is restraint and silence. However, this silence does not apply to my praying life. The hope is that, that is all that matters.

In my opting for restraint and silence, I noticed the most unhealthy imbalances in many of my relations. I have also picked up on the genuine kind, whose very well intent is not to harm me but be in harmony. You realize this when they greet and ask about your kids. You exceedingly feel special when they make sure to mention that they are just doing a check-up and hint back of the hard times we’ve had to go through together. This to me says they thought about it, probing a reflection, hence they cared enough to reach out. It is a blessing to be thought of without much expected from both sides. The ease it brings about for a flow of intimate exchanges is unmatched. Very endearing, very gracious. A younger me, always missed such opportunities because it somehow was about being validated by others as a need. Should they not check in, check out, reach out, show up - then it meant somehow I am not worth it. How sad!

"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." - Pema Chödrön

In choosing stillness and letting life bring and take how it goes, I found that the most that is inherently immersed with ingenuity is falling off. I held so high what only pushes me down. I carried with what only burdened me with heavier yokes. I elevated those who are just tolerating me. And, I defined receiving love with what shields me from being a loving person first. A lot about a lonely soul is condensed with a lot of unhealthy and ungodly expectations. A lot about the loudest beings is only about a need for reassurances and validation. Sure, it may seem very interesting and lovely, just being expressive and all. But the question is when in the quiet, when there is no attention received, is the inner voices and movements content and able to continue, or is it all crumbling and rumbling internally. I must admit, looking at a former me, when there wasn't specific attentiveness given back by a few elevated ones in my world, I shrunk to oblivion. It was either I come up with ways to be louder and loose myself in the process or be totally defeated and rested in defining their response as pure rejection. For a spiritual being, this was a petty way of existing. No power, no love and definitely no self-control is exuded from within when seeking attention is in this way. It is no wonder for a long while, I lacked peace. All the while however, I continued seeking attention from God. I still am!

That said, as I grow to identifying deeper as a child of God, I am coming along so well to a place of rest, restraint and respect. Indeed, I harbor less expectations on others. It has left a lot of unsuspecting bodies feeling unwanted. But the truth is, in the times whereby I constantly wanted attention and validation from the outside, I was terrified of filling the gap inside on my own. I mean, self-care journey literally mocks the very full-of-self elements to a point of realizing you need healthy boundaries and relationships to fully be at your best. Most people fight this because they think self-care is about being independent. I also fell for that. Back to unsuspecting bodies - It was never just because I cared so deeply, but it was mostly for I am deeply wounded and need continuous healing. This is a lot of hard work. The kind of work many people run from, but not me though. I am about it, and it is rough but very necessary for a healthier and wholesome me. The psychology of a hurt being can never be left to wander alone without help I say. There is also a spirit that needs to be fed in the process. So, who on earth can fill up an inner man than God himself? Who can love you like the Lord? - Nobody. Who can provide to your every need, even the kind you don't even perceive? - No Man. I truly believe it, He is a Jealous God. You won't have both the love from the world and Him coexisting in harmony. You won’t get over a lot of situations in just continuous but timely therapy sessions either. You will always be uneasy, anxious and rattled about this overwhelming evidence of never being content inside somehow. It will be clear that it is much more of God's dealing and timing. He is the one to decide, to accompany and lead all that (which) and all those(who), is and are good for our spiritual well-being. And this right here, has become my definition of self-care - A SPIRITUAL WELL-BEING. When we try to fulfil the spirit with fleshy deposits, indeed there will be denial and defeat. Most of what I have been doing for physical and mental health has needed faith more than money and time. There are times when I had time and money but no strength and courage. And it is in those still moments wherein you will realize that it remains a spiritual process more than any form. This is when you will know that He is God and you have and are nothing without Him.

Image by Cody Fitzgerald

John 15:5 - I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

I suppose it is a learning curve for everyone looking to grow, that you cannot have it both ways. You cannot be in between. You are either hot or cold. There is no rest in being indifferent. Every relationship we have, can never serve the most intimate parts of our being if they are not directed in Godly ways. The conscience will fight you, the unsuspecting and spiritually immature you will never be at rest. And many situations will take you away from prayer and meditating on the word when you are tied to things and people for the pleasure of your flesh. Unfortunately, this will be the things and people you value most. It can even be your children, who you will forget to even pray with because you are too busy working for. The same with needing attention and validation from the world, it is a trip your psychology won't ever enjoy because the destination is never truly realized. Peoples opinions and feelings for you will always change - naturally. But in God, with God - you will always be at a haven.

Proverbs 16: 9 The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.

In the intentional silence I have been practicing, as I discover the power restraint has, I picked up on my nonchalant behaviors. At first, I refrained from reacting to trials and tribulations with less noise as expected of me, thinking I'm teaching or let us say I made it about others. It was out of pride of thinking I am worth it, and if you don't value me I will withdraw access, then you will realize you need me. Oh, the shame brought to self. There is no one in my life who even came close to even identifying such an illusion. In 2022, I ended up needing a hospital bed to make peace with not being that significant. I must admit, it is in that year wherein my relationship with God deepened, for I was left with just Him. In one of the blogs from this year, I share bits about this that I discovered an empty canvas in me and needed to paint it. Meaning, the empty being I was at that time needed to be redefined and redirected by none other than myself and the Lord. Simply for, there was no way of going on any longer trying to live on getting those around me to validate my existence. I knew, to survive I would need to detach. It was brutal, but I did come out aware of whose life I have to live for and who's meant to live it for me. I also found clarity and settlement in going about rather focusing on the Lord. Making others your Gods will definitely destroy you. We make others our Gods by ‘needing’ them to understand, embrace, reassure, lead, and even love us. Literally putting our faith in them. We carry on as though without them we cannot survive. We identify only through the relationships we have with them. And if you are living putting your faith in men in this way, you are all set for an unfulfilled life. For even when living putting our faith in God comes with a lot of sufferings. What more turmoil will come when putting our faith in men?

"My faith didn't remove the pain, but it got me through the pain. Trusting God didn't diminish or vanquish the anguish, but it enabled me to endure it." —Robert Rogers

Spiritual awakening comes with an acknowledgement to how superficial one's life is positioned. You also need to carry the responsibility of facing this truth without fighting it. A lot of prayers for change will need to be said. A lot of tests to really defeat your analogy of what deems you significant outwardly, will come and you will fail to identify yourself through the world any further. Pick up on this when You are highly functioning, producing plenty, but be such an empty vessel inwardly. You will know and feel so underwhelmed even with lots of said congratulations. They will come in numbers to celebrate with you but you will wish you could sleep early. Opportunities will flood in and none of them will make pivotal sense except just clearly offer more unrest. It will be like there is an algorithm in your surroundings helping you see and make sense of the senseless, as you will not be truly joyful but almost like you are waiting for something or someone which/who is already there. Very much not at peace. And it will hit you, you have everything and everyone, except yourself. Your spirit is restless. You are then compelled to admit this to yourself and find yourself all of sudden shifting your focus from others and making your way to God. Your every plan, goal and action suddenly does not work unless you are praying for less of yourself and more of him. The ones you didn't value are suddenly very much around and relevant. The guilty pleasures that made you feel justified to be imperfect by, are now just clearly bad habits that even you are not comfortable with. And sooner or later, you start realizing that it is not them or the world outside that need to change or fit your narrative - it is you who needs cleansing. At this point, being humbled is calling it lightly. You will breath, walk and talk from an empty vessel. No amount of noise you make will be loud enough. No good deed you over indulge in will be appreciated enough. No apology will be enough. Nothing and no one will be enough. And it is in those silent prayers wherein you will have no words but be fully aware that you are praying so deeply. It is in getting in on rooms filled with bodies you thought you never needed ready to be ridden off but no one truly even notices you are there. And so, the anxiety is proven very unnecessary for you were not as important as you thought and wanted to be. In fact, whether you came through or not, the room was going to be filled with a purpose bigger than you. A rude-awakening!

Image by Valeriia Bugaiova

And as time goes by, the sermons being taught start sounding personal and direct. You will just eve have no room left to self-deceive, self-defend and self-indulge. Your spiritual eyes and listen are paying attention now. You will do the least you expected from yourself, especially the things you vowed so many times you won't ever do. You will go to the places you had taken off your radar. You will say less if you thrived in saying too much. You will value solitude more if you were always surrounded. The conformity you thrived in will be unattractive suddenly. It will be, I don't understand how I lived like that for so long kind of epiphanies. Then in God's Speed, less of you will be found. More of Him in you will be alarmed. It starts feeling better just praying about it instead of confronting. You feel more sorry for them that stressed about them. You want to help out where you can and accepted to, and not jump in and take over by force or by virtue that you mean well. It is no longer up to you but fine by you when situations are not changing. You can accept that you are not in control. You can listen better now. You can be corrected now. You can go alone now. You are not clingy now. There is a shift to a very faithful you and a rift with a very prideful you. If it is not serving you is okay. If it serves you, it is as well okay. Unbothered but very aware. Committed but not over extending. Supportive but not overtaking. It happened, thank God. It is not happening, I will wait on you God. It didn't happen, I accept God. Okay, thank you, I apologize, alright, as long as you are fine with it, tell me when you are ready, all the best, I will be fine, take care... The very finite responses of a surrendered soul. Oh, it is such a lonely place at first, but a very peaceful state of being so long. If there's is more to say, it will be between you and God. If I cannot be understood, you won't demand to be set clear right away. You will first try to pause. By the time you speak Out loud, the internal conversations will have led to a resolve even after prayer some times. The goal is for most times and all the time. With a Confidant who knows you better than you know yourself, trust it will be well. For in Him you live and move. Not die and stay stuck. Oh, what a friend, oh the ultimate confidant. Indeed, You Matter to God. By faith, and not by sight you are living!

Royalty is my identity. Servanthood is my assignment. Intimacy with God is my life source. - Bill Johnson

The takeaways: You are either with or without God.

It is either you are being by His directive or at your demise by your own making.

It is either well with your soul or weary in your mind.

You either surrender to Him or contend to a losing battle on your own.

You will never win because the victory and glory is not meant for you.

It is less of you, and more if Him. Find him while he can still be found! – Isaiah 55: 6

💜You Matter! - to God.

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Be strengthened, be encouraged – till the next blog!